Oops

I wish I'd never gotten sick.  It is, without a doubt, the single most thing that threw me off my road to recovery.  I am bitter about it, very bitter.  I was doing SO well.  I was at a point where I no longer had cravings for processed foods and sugar.  I no longer needed to eat an entire box of mac & cheese without feeling cheated.  I no longer needed to fill my cereal bowl in order to feel satisfied.  Because I made smarter choices; instead of two overflowing bowls of Fruit Loops, I'd have a cup of granola or Kashi, or granola and Kashi mixed together.  Instead of a whole box of mac & cheese, I'd have a few tablespoons of mac & cheese, with a protein and a whole box of frozen veggies, with a promise to myself that I wouldn't feel bad if I decided to have popcorn with butter for TV snack.  I was actually craving HEALTHY foods like veggies and fruit instead of Hostess cupcakes and Ben & Jerry's.  I never made any qualms about not giving up my favorite foods, but I had learned how to eat a cup of low fat ice cream instead of a pint of 32g of fat per serving.  When I got the stomach flu, I was sick for WEEKS afterward, and even had another bout of another stomach flu  (it was a bad winter illness-wise).  I couldn't figure out how to eat veggies without my whole digestive system revolting.  Let alone lose my cravings for comfort foods and bland tastes that I had when I was pregnant; pasta, mashed potatoes, breads, etc.  And while I definitely blame my decline on a couple of viruses, I also take responsibility for not having more tenacity and motivation and determination to not let myself fall to the point where I wasn't back on track after a brief oops.  I mean, we've all been there, right?  I think the biggest diet sabotage, for me, is boredom.  So once I got to the point where the newness and fun started to wear off, though I tried to stick to it, I got sick, and that was just my "good" excuse to fall off the horse and wait for the next wagon instead of getting back on.  I suck.  I feel like a failure, and while I tried so many new and different ways to trick myself into it, it was still a diet all along.  SIGH.

Needless to say, I've kinda let myself go...  A few days ago I weighed in at 264.5, and today I just got on the scale at 269.5.  Granted, I had a Chinese food feast with my parents on Saturday, after pizza, cake, and ice cream at a birthday party, and I had the rest of my Chinese leftovers for lunch today, so I'm retaining a shit load of water, but I've lost almost all of the good habits I worked so hard to put in place.  Gone is a small breakfast after waking up; gone is the lack of cravings for veggies, and in its place are the old icky cravings for doughy sugary goodness; gone is my will to drink at least 36oz of water a day (which I didn't pick for a particular reason, I just thought two full plastic cups was a good place to start, and our Target $1.99 cups hold 18oz.); it's all gone.  I am going to have to dig deep to find the motivation to get them all back.  Maybe firing up the old blog will help.  I'll tell you what... hopping on the scale to see the 270's looming before me got my ass DIRECTLY to the computer to blog about it.  I kicked 270 to the curb for forever.  I will at least hold true to that.  If I can lose 20 pounds and get down to 250, maybe I'll be able to wear shorts this season.  ::eyeroll::  And I'll kick 250 to the curb for forever.

I kind of have new motivation, though I've never thought of "events" a good reason to lose weight.  It's the worst way to diet.  A crash diet sends you into starvation and low-blood-sugar-shakes, and after pissing your brains out for 6 months drinking a gallon of water a day and gagging down only foods that come out of a garden, you lose 50 pounds, only to look stellar, not normal, at your event, and then blimp out again two months post vacation/wedding/school reunion/etc.  Eating healthy and losing weight should be a lifestyle change.  A permanent change.  Something that you don't get overnight because you have to seek and destroy 30 years of horrible eating habits.  BUT... my brother is getting married on a cruise to the Caribbean in November after an 8-month engagement.  I'm a size 24.  Fatter than my mom, my husband, my father-in-law.  My bathing suit, which looked awesome online, has ruching across the stomach for a disguising effect; except on me it just flattens over my stomach and all the slippery material collects over and under my massive gut.  PUKE.  Along with a Caribbean vacation cruise, this vacation is Tony's and my 10th Anniversary trip.  We're getting the stateroom with the veranda, we're living it up with the full drink package, and I want to zip-line across Wallings Forest in Antigua.  Max weight to participate is 265.  We went to Antigua on our honeymoon with the intent of hiking the rainforest, but of course as fate would have it, they were in the middle of the worst draught in recent years' history, and the whole island was brown.  Nothing lush about it.  LOL.  So that didn't exactly happen.  And I'd like to wear my rings when we go.  And not feel like a spitfire pig.  Not to mention I'd really like to fit in the airline seat. 

So there it is.  I'm going to try to get back in the game, no matter how lame my motivations are, they're motivators.  Which I desperately need.  I'm starting the Couch to 5K program, and am going to start off by drinking more water, and getting in breakfast.  We'll see how that goes.  Hopefully those will be easy so that I can get used to those 3 steps, and then pick up 3 more.  I have 6 months, and I'd like to lose 50 pounds in that time.  It's a lot to aim for.  Maybe too much.  Maybe 35 is a more realistic goal; 1.5 pounds a week-ish?  We'll see anyway.  Who the fuck knows.  All I DO know is that it's going to take a miracle for me to lose anything with how I've been eating lately.  Dayum.

Much love,