Hold Steadfast

I'm yet to use a 21 Day Fix container to serve my food. I want to, but I'm not sure how to go about it. I know that sounds dumb. It sounds dumb to me, saying it. I need to read the book again, all the way through, and come up with a meal plan of some sort. I was at the grocery today and again, mostly shopped the outer edges. It has been said many times that when grocery shopping, you should stick to the outer ring since that's where all the healthy stuff is: everything was once alive, or grown. No processed foods. Of course, it was Trash Basket, and getting around the outer edges is a skill in and of itself. Plus, I needed plastic items and bread. So I did the best I could, which was actually pretty great! I have noticed, as I'm trying so hard to eat smarter, and less, that I'm shopping more often, but spending less money. For instance, I probably go to the grocery store about once a week now and only spend $150 average, whereas I was going every other week and spending $275. Hm.  When I put it like that it SEEMS like more, but I swear it's really not.  Bonus that the whole family is eating way healthier in the process. I will admit that I'm not used to shopping fresh food yet, and it's getting out of control. I have so much real food it's starting to go bad, and I don't have enough ways to cook it or make a decent meal out of it, or just eat it. And every time I go to the store I'm attracted to more fresh foods, like grapes, or melons. For instance, I've never bought an avocado before but I did today. Turns out the avocados are hard as a rock, so they'll probably be fine for another week or so. But now I need to figure out what to make with avocado besides guac. But before that I need to eat snow peas and strawberries and lettuce and watermelon.

So my weight is staying steady at 9 pounds down, 271. I had gotten down to 270, but I put a pound back on where I've missed my shakes most of this week. I'm also super stressed and getting depressed due to personal shit, and that's not helping. Not to mention next week is shark week. I've been munching a lot. Again, not on unhealthy foods, but more than I should. Except for that dill dip that I destroyed yesterday, and then read the label: 11g of fat per serving; I had like 8 servings. Whoops. Oh well. Lesson learned. LOL!  Also excepting the 67 chocolate chip cookies I ate on Mother's Day. Luckily I wasn't treated to any kind of brunch, or lunch, or dinner where I might have had to make a decision about healthy eating. No. I had to make my own food that day. So I guess it worked out. I haven't had my shakes three times this week, which is also bugging me. I don't want to fall off the wagon. I love the shakes, and they help me. I haven't lost a ton of weight, but I went to lunch with Sarah (we both got salads!) and (this is embarrassing) I fit in the booth. Without my stomach touching the table. So I can SEE the results. They're there, in black and white. I miss the energy, I miss the fullness, and I think not having had time to make them has wreaked havoc on my cravings. I've really, really, REALLY been craving chocolate. Not so much sweet, just chocolate. Today I got some Dark Chocolate and Salted Caramel Ghiradelli squares that are individually wrapped so I can grab one, satisfy that craving, and keep my intake to a respectable "heart healthy antioxidant" amount of chocolate and not the "stuffing a King-sized Snickers down my gullet" PMS binge. But I needed something to quell that thirst, and I figure that's the best way to approach it.

 

I'm also still struggling with drinking enough fluids. I've been drinking 16-32 oz of lemonade every day to try and mush up some of those kidney stones. The rest of the day after coffee and shake I'm sipping water. But truth be told, I have a few sips of water and don't take another for an hour. It's. So. HARD. #thingsannoyingfatpeoplebitchabout  I think I'm around 1/2 gallon a gallon a day of fluid intake, plus maybe more, but I'm not measuring so I don't really know. I bought 25 gallons of water so I'd have one gallon to carry around and drink every day, but some asshole I live with keeps on using it for the kids, or for cooking, or for sugary powdered drinks. (See paragraph #2.) So anyway, it's hard to get a good read on it. I have no idea how I'm supposed to do all the shit I need to do in a day AND drink that much fluid, let alone find the time to let it back out.  Jeez.

I feel like this post is just bitching, which might be beneficial, but I'll stop now and save it for my therapist.  I start going tomorrow. First order of business is to deal with above referenced home stress, and then move on to more personal things, and then finally, beg her to hypnotize me to never want to eat butter and sugar again. Or chocolate. I wonder how many things you can be hypnotized for? My mom quit smoking after a session with a hypnotist, so it really works to boost your will power. But I don't know if she can be all like, "Listen to my voice... You are feeling very sleepy. You feel full. You are not hungry. You are disgusted by brownies. And pasta. Butter is just grease and cream and while it sounds delicious it makes you want to vomit. So does a thick, juicy, marinated rib eye. You know it's so gross." Hm. Maybe I'll have to pay extra for that.

Peace!! (of chocolate cream pie in my dreams)

Nine Pounds

I haven't been exceedingly good this week.  Though I have been busy, what with all my appointments for my damn kidneys, and softball, and the Spring Concert at school.  Nevermind trying to get caught up on the laundry and clean up around the house, and make more healthy dinners for the fam.  So let me say that I didn't expect to hit 271.5 when I stepped on the scale today.  I mean, yesterday I skipped my shake for a corn muffin and had pasta for dinner, the day before I shame swallowed a candy bar while I was filling up the gas tank, and the night before that I had Tony go get me a greasy burger and rings from the local pub.  I guess when your body is used to eating that shit ALL DAY, even the smallest changes pay off in a big way. So hooray for small victories!

I went grocery shopping today (not a big shop, just this and that, mostly water and milk), and decided to hit Walmart where I could load up on drinking water, laundry detergent, and snacks for the kids.  I never knew it before, but I realized today that Walmart might be the WORST possible place to shop for food.  I mean, I get it, it's Walmart.  They're a dirtbag corporation juggernaut, in bed with Monsanto, treating their employees like shit, I GET IT.  But there is no denying that they have the most affordable prices.  But it wasn't until I went inside, hungry yet determined not to get junk, that I realized just HOW MUCH junk is IN YOUR FACE the whole time you're there.  It overwhelmed me today.  Maybe because while I was shopping last week at the regular grocery store I hardly left the produce and dairy isles, or maybe because I hadn't been to Wally World in a while, but it was like I walked in and immediately wanted to eat.  Subconsciously, which is the worst part. It was an assault on my senses, my resolve crumbling as I spied Cheetos and frosted sugar cookies.  Bright colors, bold statemements, stacks of food EVERYWHERE.  And then I was thinking, "Ooooh, maybe I can get a            and just eat one or two and give the rest to the kids."  Or, "Holy SHIT!  I didn't know they made these, they look amazing!"  Or, "Oh yeah, I think we need chips for sandwiches."  Old habits die hard, and having eaten like shit for the last 38 years it's hard to turn your brain around.  To be honest, I was kinda proud of myself for noticing it so early before my cart was full of refined white flour and high fructose corn syrup and I decided it was just easier to check out than to put it all back.  I WAS able to get some plain microwave popcorn, and some spreadable cheese for a cheese and crackers snack, but I didn't give in to the chips, or the ice cream, or the cookies, or the cakes, or anything Hostess, Oreo, or Pepperidge Farm branded.  I even decided then, in the store, to forego the 1/2 & 1/2 on my list and try to work into having my coffee with whole milk.  (IDK how I plan to do that, it's so gross, but everything just takes time to get used to, right?)  I'm not sure I'll ever shop there again, to be honest.  I mean, they have the cheapest prices, and they have the most stuff.  It's a win-win.  But to keep myself out of that trap is more important.  I'd rather shop at Market Basket and have less selection but fresher, more abundant produce, and pay the little extra they charge to make sure I don't fall victim to the evil sugar fiend in my head. Somehow, when I was over getting cream cheese for my celery, I smelled cinnamon-bun-y goodness and my mouth started watering.  I almost gave in right there, to "just one."  But I remained steadfast, and I got out of there with water, cereal, and some snacks, but avoided the majority of the "middle isles" where the processed garbage is.  It made me realize just how much marketing affects our brains.  Not that I didn't know that already, but when it becomes commonplace, it doesn't SEEM like marketing anymore.  But they still suck you in, without you even knowing.  That's creepy.

I found out that my kidney issues are being caused by stones.  Yaaaaayyyyy...   I have a "cluster of stones, about 1 cm in diameter" in my right kidney.  So I need to go in for a procedure on Tuesday to chop 'em up into dust so I can pee them out, and also to scope my bladder to see why there's still blood in my urine. Yaaaaayyyyy....  I asked the nurse why I was making these stones and she says, "Well, what do you drink in a day?"  And I was like, "Ummm, coffee, one, maybe two cups, and then some iced tea or water."  "How much water?" she says.  "Like, you know, one or two 16-ish ounce glasses.  Mostly after dinner."  She looked at me and just let it out, "Well that's your problem.  You're not drinking enough to flush the minerals out.  They're sitting in your kidneys too long and creating stones.  You need to drink more water."  Drink more water?!?!  Is she serious???  It'd be a full time job just to drink the 2 gallons a day I'm supposed to have.  Granted, I know I need to drink more water, just seriously THAT much?!?!  Yeesh!  But I promise to TRY, and to commit to at least one whole gallon every day.  I have to, to get rid of these kidney stones. And I don't want more kidney stones.  So there you have it.  It just must be.

Now I have to put those groceries away, start dinner, clean up, and help Gwen with her homework before getting her ready for her softball game tonight.  Again... yeesh!

Peace out!

7 Pounds!

I'm still sick with a urinary tract/kidney infection, so I haven't started working out yet.  The whole fever thing isn't conducive to staying upbeat and killing my fat.  But I HAVE been being good, and sticking with the Shakeology shakes.  And in that, so far I'm down 7 pounds.  YAY!  Small victory!  I also found that I can tolerate the chocolate Shakeology so long as I make it like chocolate milk, with less mix and more milk, and don't put anything in it.  Like ice, water, bananas, or peanut butter.  Additives just bring out the artificial sweetener taste.  (And before you say anything, I know stevia is supposedly natural, but it has the SAME EXACT aftertaste as sucralose, aspartame, saccharin, et al.  Ain't no foolin' my tastebuds.  I can also taste the wax in the chocolate on a Ring Ding.  I'd still eat that fucker, though.  So no, you can't sell me on stevia being a natural sweetener.)  So that's amazing to me, and a huge thanks to my bestie Sarah for pointing me in that direction.  I can now finish my sample bag of chocolate Shakeology without puking.

My weekend was busy and fun and lovely.  Full of friends and softball games and free comic books for the kids.  We're trying desperately to help them be the little dorks they were born to be.

There was even a birthday celebration, where I ate cake and ice cream after lunch, but was able to steer myself away from the other cakes and chips and goodies.  I'm happy for me, as it's a small victory that I didn't talk myself into letting myself have "just a couple chips" or "it's no big deal to have ONE cookie."  I limited my TREAT to one small piece of cake and one scoop of ice cream.  And I let myself have it, and enjoy it, because life is too short.  And in order to change my eating habits for life, I can't expect that I won't ever eat cake again.  I want to have my cake, AND eat it.  So I will.  I'll just be smarter the rest of the day to make up for it.  Like at dinner when the kids wanted more ravioli, I gave them each one of mine and limited my pigging out.  Kept 3 extra ravioli off my thighs and I made myself not feel pissy because I gave them away.  And I had a snack while I watched Game of Thrones, but it was natural popcorn with a small amount of butter and salt.  Not the typical bag of Pop Secret Homestyle with extra added butter.  Small changes lead to small victories, but it's all gotta be one step at a time.  Trying to overthrow the fat government is going to just overthrow my head and I'll tap out way before I finish.  And I'm not cool with that.

I'm thinking of going back to therapy, just for some help staying positive.  I was chatting with a friend who has weight troubles like I do, and we agreed that most people become overweight out of depression.  I will readily admit that I've been depressed, and that's what got me here.  However I think that if I can find small things to be happy about, talk through the shit I can't change, and start harvesting the endorphins from exercise, then I'll have a well full of happy that will keep me full and forward marching.  The issue is paying for the therapy, LOL.  $25 a pop ain't cheap!  Even if I only go twice a month.  But like with the 21 Day Fix kit, and the Shakology, I'm trying to not think about putting a price tag on my well being.  I wanted to do something that would just jump-start my weight loss so I would feel like there was a way out, at least, because I don't want to fad diet.  I've said it before and I stand behind the ideal that fad diets are bullshit. Eating healthy, and in moderation, along with exercise, is the way to lose weight and keep it off.  But it's a lifelong change, not a 2 month change.  When I got the 21 Day Fix and saw that it was basically just that, portion control and the best ideas to jump start yourself so you don't get discouraged, it changed my mind about the program.  It IS what I need to follow to make changes.  So I will.  And it will have been money well spent.

I guess that's it for now.  I'm super excited about my hummus, turkey, and veggie wrap for lunch today.  I'm hungry and it sounds totally delicious.  But I have to get going on the laundry.  The never-ending laundry. And get to drinking some more water.  The water is ridiculous.  Takes all damn day to drink that much!

Peace!

Testing, testing, 1, 2, 3....

Hi ya.  Just testing the waters here for now.  I'm trying to get back into weight loss by starting the 21 Day Fix, along with Shakeology.  I got my shakes last Thursday, April 24th, and had one on Friday just to taste it.  I was HOOKED.  I had more energy, I was STUFFED, and it really reduced my cravings.  Which I have a lot of.  So that was a gigantic bonus.  I got my 21 Day Fix kit from Beachbody this past Tuesday, and fell ill with a kidney/bladder/urinary tract infection that I saw the doctor for on Wednesday.  I went shopping for all my good, healthy fruits and veggies after my appointment, and have been adding some here and there into my diet.  I'm finding that I have a cup of coffee in the morning, a shake, and a light lunch, and then making a healthier dinner we eat as a family.  Eating a good dinner is helping me stay satisfied, and not buying the snacks in the first place, along with sitting on my hands, is helping to quell my general eat-in-front-of-the-tv-until-you-give-yourself-heartburn-all-night track record.  The munchies kill me every time.  Damn those blasphemous bitches!

For now though, let me start at the beginning...

I've been hovering around 270 for about 2 years now.  This past winter was horrid: long, cold, and depressing, and I gained a bunch of weight.  So I'm starting at 280, where none of my fat pants fit - not even my yoga pants, I've grown a third chin and my ears are starting to fold into my head (rather, my head fat seems to be eating them), and the disgusting number of 300 is looming before me, ever so attainable if I scarf another danish.  SIGH.
The thing that has me going now though, is that about two months ago, I forgot to refill my anti-depressants (300mg Wellbutrin and 20mg Lexapro) and then when I did I didn't get out of the house to pick them up for another week, and by then I was like 3 weeks in to getting off my meds for the first time since going on them 6 years ago.  I decided to give it a shot and see where it took me.  Immediately I felt my brain operating at full function again, and my energy returning.  I realized that all this time I got so fat because I was in a fog of just not caring.  Like, at all.  I didn't care what I looked like, how I felt, what happened to anything.  Which was great when the triplets were little because that's what I needed to survive.  But now I WANT to care and couldn't figure out why I didn't.  Why I wasn't motivated.  Why I was so exhausted all the time.  I also found pretty quickly that my panic attacks returned full force, and it was scary after not having had one in so long.  So after about a month of my self-medicating experiment, I am back on Wellbutrin, but still off the Lexapro.  It's nice.  I'm happier, more aware, more active, and ready to try to get back to looking like a human instead of a Whopper.  Even if I do have more anxiety, and am a little more quick tempered.  Everyone has their quirks.
My hairdresser has been doing the 21 Day Fix for a while now, and has seen amazing results.  So I looked into it, then let it go.  Looked into it, then decided nah.  Looked into it, talked to my mom about it, and we decided to do it together.  That's when I took the plunge.  Then once I tried the shake, I was all about it.  Don't get me wrong, it's still totally daunting.  I'm afraid of failing.  I'm afraid of my high school reunion, which may or may not be coming up this year (20 years?!  WTF???).  I'm afraid of getting fatter.  I'm afraid I'll never want to have sex again (gross, who wants to see THIS naked).  I;m afraid that will ruin my marriage.  I'm afraid of getting injured again and losing my momentum.  I'M SO AFRAID.  But I also need to not sabotage myself.  I'm a classic self-saboteur.  So I'm trying to stay positive, and remember that every little bit counts, and that even if I want an ice cream cone out with the kids, I can have ONE ice cream cone and don't have to give up on the rest of my life.  I can make this work, I can get fit, I can do this for me.  So what if I lose 3 pounds in once week and only half a pound the next?  EVERY BIT COUNTS.  And as long as I keep pushing myself forward, to have a shake for breakfast, a light lunch, and a healthy dinner with my family, that in and of itself will be a major improvement over not eating until 2 and then being so hungry I mou down 3 Little Debbie snacks and don't stop snacking on shit until bed.  And if I can do that, then I can start to exercise.  The 21 Day Fix comes with like, 8 workouts, and that's amazing.  But I can barely do Just Dance with the kids on the Wii right now.  So if I have to break and sit to catch my breath, or if I have to skip a day to let my muscles recover, it's OKAY.  It's still a step in the right direction.  EVERY BIT COUNTS.

So my first goal is to reach 230 in time to get my tattoo.  Which will kinda be my reward, even though I'd get it anyway, LOL.  I'm on the waiting list with my artist so I'll be getting in sometime this fall.  In order to reach this goal, I have to lose 50 pounds by, say, September.  That's 4 months.  So I figure if I can lose 14 pounds a month, I will have achieved this goal.  The 21 Day Fix is set up so that you lose 15 pounds in 21 days.  I figure I'll give myself some leeway, knowing my weaknesses, so I don't feel discouraged.  If I do better than that, holy shit, that'll be awesome, but I won't be upset if I don't.  With JUST having a shake every morning, over the last 7 days, I've lost 5 pounds.  That's not even factoring in the portion control and rabbit food that goes with dieting, or starting an exercise regiment.  I hope to be more active this upcoming week, as my antibiotics kill this infection and I start to feel better, and I can start working out.  30 minutes every day is a tit ass commitment.  Hardly anything.  I have to remember to put myself first, and then everything else will fall into place around that.  The rest of the day can be for errands or laundry, or whatever.  So long as I give myself an hour every morning for my exercise and food prep.  And anyone can do that, right?  Just get off Facebook for 60 minutes, for fuck's sake!  LOL!

Anyway, I have to get the kids off the bus now, but I wanted to test the blog waters.  See how it felt to commit again.  To diary.  To blab.  Which I love and am SOOOOO good at.  If I feel like I need to, I'll bee back.  I would think it'd be sooner than later.  :)

Peace out!

I suck.

So here I am, again, way behind on blogging, on dieting, and on life in general.  I think I'm too wordy for my own good.  I feel like I have to plan out an hour just to type up a blog post.  Let alone all the time I was spending playing with my camera, taking pictures, downloading and editing them... it was a PITA.  And now where the kids aren't really napping anymore, and where I have to get Gwen on the bus, off the bus, and take care of Tony to-boot, I've just been in way over my head.  I guess the good news is that my mood's stayed positive, and I'm really, really, REALLY looking forward to our cruise.  That's in 2 weeks.  I currently am a chuba-loo 261.  So I ask you, and myself really, do I have what it takes to drop those 11 pounds and be 250 by the time we set sail?  Why not?  I just need to put my mind to it.  And stop binge snacking.  I think I've gained some muscle mass too, since my weight hasn't changed all that much but I somehow feel thinner.  Maybe it's just my body dysmorphia.  Who the fuck knows.  LOL!  I will will myself thin by seeing myself as thin.  Yeah.  And how many people does that work for??  HA!

Today I had crumb cake for breakfast.  But it was in the house, and at least I only ate half of my usual serving.  I had 3 cups of coffee, status quo, and am now dining on a lovely turkey sandwich packed into a flax seed, whole grain pita pocket with two handfuls of lettuce, 4 or 5 gherkins, and a slice of cheese.  And because I can't eat a sandwich dry, only a little light mayo and 3 giant squirts of Gray Poupon.  I was gonna eat the chicken that was in the fridge, but apparently it went bad two weeks ago.  So I'm glad I had fresh turkey on hand.  :-P  I also have a 20-ish oz cup of water and a handful of Bugles.  I like crunch.  And salt.  So what.

IDK what we're doing for dinner... I was thinking of opening a family sized can of Campbell's Chunky Chicken & Dumplings for the kids, but what do I eat?  Maybe a couple of eggs, or an egg sandwich.  Or maybe a freezer diet meal with a side salad.  IDK.  We'll have to see what I feel like when I get there.

So while the blog might not be as pretty, or as wordy (much to your chagrin, right?) anymore, I am going to try to get back in the swing of things.  At least to keep me on track until the cruise.  Which is 16 days from today.  Though I'll be flying to San Juan in 14 days.  Yikes.  Yippee!  Here goes nothing...

Much love,

July 18th, 2011

3 months, 23 days until vacation
267 pounds
Knees painful and swollen from working on furniture all weekend; tired; short of breath; hands and feet swollen; tummy hurts; lousy mood - aka Feeling kinda shitty today; no pun intended but I literally shit like 10 times today too.  Bleh.
89*,84% humidity, 68* dewpoint

Breakfast:
3 cups of coffee: 300 calories
Brown Sugar Cream of Wheat, 260 calories

Lunch:
2 slices of left-over Pizza Slut pan pizza bacon, sausage, and pepperoni, with one breadstick.

Dinner:
Leftover Chinese food

Not the best day, eating-wise, or exercise-wise, or any wise.

Blah.

Blllaaaaahhhh....

That's how I feel about this round.  I was lying in bed last night (after I skipped on the Chips Ahoy because Tony was going to bed and I didn't want to eat alone at 10:45) thinking about why this is so hard to get into and what was different in January that got me excited about it.  I mean, I remember the feelings of elatement and determination of finally getting off my ass and getting into it.  I remember the results and how good it felt.  But something is holding me back.  I just don't know what.  Probably myself.  I have always been my own worst enemy; I mean, aren't we all?  Even now as I write this post, giving up writing it is in the forefront of my thoughts as my kids nap and I hear doors slamming upstairs from the wind... over and over again, and I have beds to make and laundry to do and my family room is a shit hole... all excuses.  All excuses to not face the truth.  Not to mention how fucking HUNGRY I am right now.  I can't get back into the swing of meals like I had them down pat before... though I'm kinda trying.  I had a handful of Honey Combs as I was shelling out cereal to the kids this morning, really early, thinking it would get my metabolism going and I'd have a real breakfast in another half hour or so.  But then I got caught up on the 'puter, and Holden is way sick and wanted to sit with his momma, and I didn't even get a cup of coffee until 9.  Ouch.  After I made the kids pancakes for lunch I had a Clif bar for lunch.  The fucker is 240 calories, 5g of fiber, and 11g of protein.  That should be enough to hold me over until at least 4 o'clock, but no.  I'm already day dreaming about chocolate chip cookies and cake and loaded mashed potatoes.  Damn it.  I figured the Clif bar was cheap, easy, and filling, and since I have so much to do today I really want to save the time and get into it.  This day, and frankly, all of last week, has been horrid.  My kids are meltdown kings, and with Holden and Nora sick I can barely keep my cool.  They've been SO naughty, pushing every button, deliberately disobeying, fighting, screaming, pushing, hitting, the gamut.  I went upstairs to get the dirty sheets so I could wash them and put them back on, and by the time I got the sheets and vacuumed up there, I came down to every single shoe in the closet (mind you, that's like, 30 shoes) strewn all over the house, along with all the dress up clothes, all the throw blankets, and all the decorative pillows, and at least two of them running and hiding because they were illegally playing with my sewing machine.  Which I don't even have time to play with.  :(

Maybe I feel overwhelmed?  Maybe it's just spring fever and now that winter's finally gone I feel like I can catch up so my mind is in a hundred other places.  Maybe it's my kids being little fucking pukes 90% of the time.  I don't know.  All I know is I need to find motivation somewhere.  Something.  Something to get me INTO it, and KEEP me there.

I just dug up all my old paper photographs to scan and post everything embarrassing on Facebook to humiliate all my closest friends and family, and I look at them and can't imagine being as thin as I was.  In some of them I was 100 pounds lighter than I am now.  In some I was only 50 pounds lighter than I am now.  I can't believe the difference it makes.  I think I was too thin, at 150, and my goal is just to be under 200.  In a perfect world I'd be 160 or 170, but that's never going to happen, and I'm okay with that.  I just want to buy a L dress from a normal store and know that even though a L is a 16/18 the fucking thing will fit and I'll have options outside of Lane Bryant and Wal Mart.  Sheeeit.

I did just jump on the scale, and am at 165.  So that's good.  A start at least.  I have been drinking more water, and trying to snack less.  Also, I've been adding in muscle building exercises anywhere I can.  For instance, I am so horribly out of shape, I can do crunches that I can FEEL sitting in the recliner.  LOL  I've started stretching again (oh, I LOVE stretching!  One of my very good friends suggested a yoga DVD, I think it was Yoga for Every Body that I might get, but in reality, yoga is just stretching with meditation.  I already meditate so all I have to do is stretch, LOL!), and using my muscles more, kind of like pilates in motion?  Like, I'll hold the milk out at the end of my arm for a minute or two after filling the kids' cups.  It's not much, but it's something, and it seems to be working.  I feel stronger, and I can already feel my tummy getting a smidgen tighter.  I also REALLY want to start walking and working on the C25K.  It seems like every day we're so busy that by the time Tony gets home there's so much to do I don't have time, and when I do I haven't showered and I'm so gross I feel like I'd need to shower to be seen outside the house, or by the time the kids are in bed it's dark.  Maybe if I designate a time, say 6:30, just 3x a week, that I leave the house, and it's MY time to walk.  I can give myself that hour no matter how dirty I am, or how buggy it is, and just let Tony deal with the kids and I could be back to help with bedtime.  But even tonight is a bath night, and Tony gets home at 5:30, dinner will be at 6, baths at 6:30 (and trust me, NO ONE wants to bathe 4 kids alone, LOL!), bed at 8, and by then it's dark.  Not to mention that the weather has been stormy and rainy the last week or so, and it hasn't exactly been the best weather to start an exercise routine in.  I mean, not that I'd melt, but I think I'd do better running in the rain once I'm actually jazzed about running.  Right now it still feels like a chore.  LOL

Well, I had to check in.  I am still trying.  If anyone can find motivation for me, please send it this way.  Right now though I have to go make 5 beds and finish up the laundry.  Ya know, before the kids wake up and re-spread the shoes everyfuckingwhere.  :P

Much love,

Oops

I wish I'd never gotten sick.  It is, without a doubt, the single most thing that threw me off my road to recovery.  I am bitter about it, very bitter.  I was doing SO well.  I was at a point where I no longer had cravings for processed foods and sugar.  I no longer needed to eat an entire box of mac & cheese without feeling cheated.  I no longer needed to fill my cereal bowl in order to feel satisfied.  Because I made smarter choices; instead of two overflowing bowls of Fruit Loops, I'd have a cup of granola or Kashi, or granola and Kashi mixed together.  Instead of a whole box of mac & cheese, I'd have a few tablespoons of mac & cheese, with a protein and a whole box of frozen veggies, with a promise to myself that I wouldn't feel bad if I decided to have popcorn with butter for TV snack.  I was actually craving HEALTHY foods like veggies and fruit instead of Hostess cupcakes and Ben & Jerry's.  I never made any qualms about not giving up my favorite foods, but I had learned how to eat a cup of low fat ice cream instead of a pint of 32g of fat per serving.  When I got the stomach flu, I was sick for WEEKS afterward, and even had another bout of another stomach flu  (it was a bad winter illness-wise).  I couldn't figure out how to eat veggies without my whole digestive system revolting.  Let alone lose my cravings for comfort foods and bland tastes that I had when I was pregnant; pasta, mashed potatoes, breads, etc.  And while I definitely blame my decline on a couple of viruses, I also take responsibility for not having more tenacity and motivation and determination to not let myself fall to the point where I wasn't back on track after a brief oops.  I mean, we've all been there, right?  I think the biggest diet sabotage, for me, is boredom.  So once I got to the point where the newness and fun started to wear off, though I tried to stick to it, I got sick, and that was just my "good" excuse to fall off the horse and wait for the next wagon instead of getting back on.  I suck.  I feel like a failure, and while I tried so many new and different ways to trick myself into it, it was still a diet all along.  SIGH.

Needless to say, I've kinda let myself go...  A few days ago I weighed in at 264.5, and today I just got on the scale at 269.5.  Granted, I had a Chinese food feast with my parents on Saturday, after pizza, cake, and ice cream at a birthday party, and I had the rest of my Chinese leftovers for lunch today, so I'm retaining a shit load of water, but I've lost almost all of the good habits I worked so hard to put in place.  Gone is a small breakfast after waking up; gone is the lack of cravings for veggies, and in its place are the old icky cravings for doughy sugary goodness; gone is my will to drink at least 36oz of water a day (which I didn't pick for a particular reason, I just thought two full plastic cups was a good place to start, and our Target $1.99 cups hold 18oz.); it's all gone.  I am going to have to dig deep to find the motivation to get them all back.  Maybe firing up the old blog will help.  I'll tell you what... hopping on the scale to see the 270's looming before me got my ass DIRECTLY to the computer to blog about it.  I kicked 270 to the curb for forever.  I will at least hold true to that.  If I can lose 20 pounds and get down to 250, maybe I'll be able to wear shorts this season.  ::eyeroll::  And I'll kick 250 to the curb for forever.

I kind of have new motivation, though I've never thought of "events" a good reason to lose weight.  It's the worst way to diet.  A crash diet sends you into starvation and low-blood-sugar-shakes, and after pissing your brains out for 6 months drinking a gallon of water a day and gagging down only foods that come out of a garden, you lose 50 pounds, only to look stellar, not normal, at your event, and then blimp out again two months post vacation/wedding/school reunion/etc.  Eating healthy and losing weight should be a lifestyle change.  A permanent change.  Something that you don't get overnight because you have to seek and destroy 30 years of horrible eating habits.  BUT... my brother is getting married on a cruise to the Caribbean in November after an 8-month engagement.  I'm a size 24.  Fatter than my mom, my husband, my father-in-law.  My bathing suit, which looked awesome online, has ruching across the stomach for a disguising effect; except on me it just flattens over my stomach and all the slippery material collects over and under my massive gut.  PUKE.  Along with a Caribbean vacation cruise, this vacation is Tony's and my 10th Anniversary trip.  We're getting the stateroom with the veranda, we're living it up with the full drink package, and I want to zip-line across Wallings Forest in Antigua.  Max weight to participate is 265.  We went to Antigua on our honeymoon with the intent of hiking the rainforest, but of course as fate would have it, they were in the middle of the worst draught in recent years' history, and the whole island was brown.  Nothing lush about it.  LOL.  So that didn't exactly happen.  And I'd like to wear my rings when we go.  And not feel like a spitfire pig.  Not to mention I'd really like to fit in the airline seat. 

So there it is.  I'm going to try to get back in the game, no matter how lame my motivations are, they're motivators.  Which I desperately need.  I'm starting the Couch to 5K program, and am going to start off by drinking more water, and getting in breakfast.  We'll see how that goes.  Hopefully those will be easy so that I can get used to those 3 steps, and then pick up 3 more.  I have 6 months, and I'd like to lose 50 pounds in that time.  It's a lot to aim for.  Maybe too much.  Maybe 35 is a more realistic goal; 1.5 pounds a week-ish?  We'll see anyway.  Who the fuck knows.  All I DO know is that it's going to take a miracle for me to lose anything with how I've been eating lately.  Dayum.

Much love,

I AM Still on the Bandwagon!

Sorry I've been MIA.  Like I said, I got off track after being sick, and the last two weeks and this week are ridiculously busy.  Well, for our world anyway.  I won't even get a break until Thursday!  I've also been staying really busy around the house, which is great!  I had been sick since Thanksgiving, on and off, leading to a sinus infection, with a week off before getting the flu, so I am REALLY behind on my household chores.  My house is a shit hole, and we still have some things to unpack and/or organize.  I'm way behind where I wanted to be by this point.  So having the energy and ability to do work is really working out for me.  Yesterday I put away ALL of my laundry.  ALL OF IT!!!  I feel like a Goddess.  Like, who actually gets their laundry washed, dried, sorted, folded, AND put away all in one day?  ME!  Though there were like 6 clean baskets of laundry sitting in my bedroom for the last two months, so... yeah.  It's gone now though, and it's going to be lovely to look through a closet again instead of digging through a basket for clean undies.

I AM still working on losing weight, making smart decisions and being healthier.  I'm currently at 263.5, so I haven't really lost anything, but I have been able to maintain the weight loss I DID achieve while I was so busy, and out and about, so that makes me feel good.  I haven't been super careful, or choosy about my food, there have been points of weakness and junk food and cheating (it is that time of the month).  But I'm okay with that.  I have never wanted my weight loss to be a quick drop.  I don't have a time goal, really.  I want to lose weight slow enough so that I don't get saggy skin.  Plus, the slower you lose the weight the more likely you are to keep it off, and that is my main goal.  To keep it off and find a new attitude and lifestyle with food that keeps me HEALTHY.  Sans saggy skin.  So I'm trying to get back on track.  I went grocery shopping on Saturday and spent $240 on healthy foods.  Which almost gave me a heart attack.  Pft!  I can't wait for summer, I'm thinking of starting a veggie garden.  And even if I don't, the farmer's markets provide fresh, ripe, local fruit and veggies for DIRT CHEAP.  And that's exciting!

All that told, I'm going to try to blog regularly again.  At LEAST three times a week.  I figure I can make time for my self, my feelings, and my weight loss buddies at least that often.  Because I really do love blogging.  I am a person who loves to hear herself talk, and I have no outlet.  Besides talking to myself, which Tony hates.

Let's see... what'd I eat yesterday... One of the best parts of taking pictures of all my food to post here was that it helped me remember what I'd eaten.  I've gotten out of the habit of taking pics, and maybe I should try it again.  It's time consuming, but it really helps keep me on track and excited about what I eat.  I can remember lunch and dinner on Saturday (a small Buffalo burrito with chicken from Boloco, which as it turns out, is in the 811-calorie-range.  Oops.  Dinner was meatloaf (made with 1/2 lean beef, and 1/2 turkey and low fat cheese, so I tried to be smart making my family a dinner by cutting calories from a normal recipe), a baked potato with butter and low-fat sour cream, and a shit ton of green beans.  I was so full by the end that I couldn't finish my potato!  Go me!!  One big change I've noticed is that my stomach has shrunk.  A LOT.  And I am trying REALLY HARD not to over eat and expand my stomach again.  Feeling full after half a plate of food is awesome!!  And before I forget I made brownies but with applesauce and only one egg, so they were fairly low fat... but I ate 4 or 5.  Oops again.), and everything I ate yesterday.  So here's how I stuffed my gullet on Superbowl Sunday:  Breakfast was Vanilla Almond Special K with a 1/2 cup of vanilla almond granola.  Lunch was a Kashi Cranberry Walnut bar and a banana (it was quick and on-the-go since I found myself starving in the middle of my laundry crisis and didn't want to lose my motivation by stopping to eat).  I had a chocolate bar for snack (not the best choice), and a handful of mixed nuts.  For dinner I had more nuts and a single french fry, and a single chicken nugget.  While watching The Black Eyed Peas destroy the Superbowl Half-Time show, I ate about a cup of ice cream, which was fucking DELICIOUS.  It tasted like real ice cream, and I'm a peanut butter whore.  It was the best light ice cream I've ever had.  Yay.  And instead of destroying a pint of Ben & Jerry's in one half hour, I ate a reasonable amount and was satisfied!  Yay!

I'm going to try to do better this week; weekends are always hard for me.  I want to get back on track and see the scale move again.  Because like I said, I'm not in it to lose 100 pounds in 4 months.  I'd rather take a year to do it, but not stress myself out over it.  So I'm ready to get back into it, now that Aunt Flo is on her way out, and taking her chocolate cravings with her.  I even find now that with snacking, I don't want junky food.  I'd rather have a handful of nuts or a cup of ice cream than 3 Devil Dogs.  Which is good.  Baby steps, but progress.

I hope to be back to blog soon, and I promise to try harder!!!

Much love,

A Lot of Ifs, Ands, & Buts

Damn it, that was a rough weekend!  I'm finally feeling a bit better and am starting to graduate to real food again.  (The girls haven't gotten it... yet...)  Though I'm finding I'm having a particularly tough time trying to stay on track now.  I don't know if it was from how bad I felt, and how awful food was (never thought I'd say that), or if it's because my stomach shrank so much (why am I not EMBRACING this wonderful side effect???), or if it's because after I get sick I crave comfort foods and usually give in to meatball subs and french toast, or if it's because my rag is coming soon-ish, or what.  But it's really discouraging me.  I can't decide if I want to eat some comfort foods for a couple of days but just control my portions and see if I feel better and will get the appetite for better foods, or if I should just plug onward with broccoli for dinner and deal with the stomach ache.  I feel like if I ate comfort foods it might be like starting all over again even if I had portion control, kinda like a starving shark that catch a whif of fresh blood on the current and WHAMO! they're like a caged beast trying to escape with its life.

So yeah... I'm stuck and stressed and freaking out.  Only a little.  But I don't want to blow this.  I don't want to fall back into the fatass abyss like I always do.  And I understand that normal people can eat a 6" meatball sub and have no issue with it, even if they're not trying to lose weight.  Because they're starting low, if one meatball sub bloats them up a half a pound they'll lose it the next night with their typical veggie stir fry.

So what do I do?  Who knows.  But I think I'm going to have a meatball sub for dinner tonight; a small one, plain.  Because I'm finding that that which I truly crave is not substituted by consuming every other food in the house.  Ugh!  So far today I've eaten a banana, a PB&J, a handful of Baked Cheddar Ruffles, about 6 Russell Stover chocolates left over from Christmas, and just now about 1/2 cup of cherry pie filling with frozen fat free cool whip on it.  I TOLD you I'm losing all control!!!  And damn it if it isn't Aunt Flo's fault.  She's a dirty bitch.  I have about a week left of this PMS bullshit and I'm starting to wonder how much weight I can gain in a week.  Probably everything I've lost.  Because we ALL know it's a CINCH to gain weight, and a BITCH to get it off.

Regardless of all that shit, I've lost a total of 13 pounds.  My weight this morning was 263, which is AWESOME.  That's almost a pound a day, even with the wackiness of the flu and rehydrating.  My poop is almost solid again, which might help my body regulate better and use the food better.  I don't know if that's bullshit or not because I just made it up.  Sounds like a good theory, right?

Since I'm so far behind in blogging, I may try to catch up from this past weekend, I may not.  I don't want to be stressed about blogging or losing weight or changing my habits because I know myself and I know that being stressed and discouraged are my biggest pitfalls.  So I just have to change the way I look at things.  And if that means I don't get to go back in time and make 5 posts, then I don't.  I'd rather be unstressed, and posting current, and losing weight.  So we'll see how I feel.  Plus, I have the hankering to play with my sewing machine and I don't think I'd have time for that if I wanted to catch up blogging.  I didn't eat much anyway so I guess the posts would kinds be boring.  I mean, for you.

Much love,

Just Dropping in for a Sec... And a TMI Warning

Just wanted to update everyone that I am hella fucking disgustingly sick.  Like, sitting on the toilet with a bucket in my lap sick.  Well, I was yesterday, and I stopped puking around 2 AM, just around the time Holden started puking.  ::sigh::  I still have the runs, so I haven't eaten anything since yesterday morning's Bear Naked Triple Berry crunch, which I doubt I will be able to eat ever again after throwing it up for 14 hours straight.  In case you're wondering, throwing up granola is kind of like eating it - it has the same consistency either way.

So far today I've had 3 glasses of ginger ale, which I praise Allah for since I was so dehydrated last night I would have to get out of bed just to run my tongue under cold water in the bathroom until it felt wet again.  It was horrible.  Let alone that throwing up is my least favorite activity, next to holding spiders.

The "silver lining" to all this is that I dropped 11 pounds.  Overnight.  ELEVEN!!!  Holy shit.  I went from 265.5 yesterday morning to 254 this morning.  WOW.  No doubt I'll make most of it up, but hopefully I'll at least get a jump-start on next week's weight loss when I do start eating again.  It would be nice to start up at 254, since I haven't seen the 250's since the triplets were newborns.  But I know the best way to lose weight is the healthy way, and vomiting once an hour for 14 hours is not healthy.

I'm feeling a bit better and contemplating dinner, which is hard since I want to go straight for comfort food.  Hm.  Maybe some toast and some chicken noodle soup will be a good avenue to take, kinda not healthy, but still comfort food.  It's not like the waffles my kids are eating that I'm drooling over while my intestines make ungodly sounds.

Here's to feeling better tomorrow, and not having any more pukers in the house.  Please, God.  If you are out there, make my kids healthy.  I don't know if I can handle more throw up in one weekend.  Okay, I've used all the strength I had from the 5 crackers I ate an hour ago typing this, and I must be off.  Plus, I have to hit the bathroom.  Like, NOW.

Much love,

It's About Time!

I weighed in this morning at 267.5 (my scale only does 1/2 pound incraments, thank GOD), which is half a pound up from yesterday's 267.  BUT - what all of this really means is that I kicked 270 to the curb and will NEVER see it again!!!  HOORAY for teensey tiny milestones!!!

I don't know how I gained a half pound, since I was really, really good yesterday.  I was secretly hoping to get to 265, or at the very least hit the 10 pounds lost mark.  Oh well.  Tomorrow is another day, and who knows, with my wacky scale I could step on tomorrow and see those results, so long as I stay strong today.  (I'm picturing myself as a Rosie the Riveter type, except instead of showing off my guns I'm holding up a carrot.  HA!  I'm weird.)

It was a snow day yesterday, we got about 6" of snow, and Tony worked from home.  After seeing the scale yesterday morning I had a HUGE burst of motivation.  I had another bowl of Kashi Go Lean and my standard 3 cups of coffee.  I managed to not snack in the AM, thanks to the 18g of protein (or whatever the insane amount is) in the cereal, and the caffeine that kept me rolling.  Plus, catching up blogging all morning kept my hands and mind occupied so I wasn't tempted to eat out of boredom.

By the time lunch rolled around I was hungry.  I had a WW Smart Ones Ravioli Florentine meal, and it was really good.  It even resembled the picture on the box!  I don't know if it was just me or the meal was too light or what, but I was hungry all afternoon.  That sucked because it led to snacking, but I tried to keep my snacks healthy.  Around 3 o'clock I had about 10 Roasted Garlic Triscuts, 6 with cheddar cheese.  The cheese pieces weren't huge, they were about half the size of the cracker, but neither was low-fat.  Around 4:30 I was hungry again, and craving something sweet, so I grabbed a 100-Calorie Snack pack of Golden Oreo Mini-Cakesters and OMG were they ever FABOULOUS!!!!!  They tasted like tiny, dry, frosted vanilla cupcakes.  Mmmm.  Totally worth the money and the calories if you have a craving.

I fed the kids a ghetto supper while Tony plowed, so I didn't eat until later.  It was around 8:30 when I finally realised I didn't have dinner.  At least the cakesters kept me full, LOL!  I made a delicious Healthy Choice steam lunch meal, Garlic Herb Shrimp.  Since it was only 260 calories and I was craving spinach, I ate an entire package of frozen chopped spinach with it.  I added 2 tablespoons of butter, which I didn't think was too bad for an entire package, and salt, pepper and garlic powder.  The whole meal was totally filling and satisfying and I was pleasantly surprised by the Healthy Choice meal.  It smelled awesome, and was really yummy.  Very light and colorful and flavorful.  Like most frozen meals with shrimp, I felt the shrimp was overcooked and rubbery but it wasn't too too bad.

Beacause I ate late, and because it kept me nice and full, I didn't have a single snack all night.  It helped that I was watching Heavy, and just like Hoarders, I had no desire to eat while watching it.  The show was outstanding, and I found it as inspiring as I'd hoped.  I didn't like the whiney fat girl on the show, but I liked the trainers, the pace, and the information.  I didn't like the end, because I guess I was expecting more of an update like you get at the end of Intervention or Hoarders, and that wasn't really there.  But the show overall was good enough for me to want to save it on DVR so I could watch it again.  The more motivation I can find, the better, and I'll take every little drop I can!  I CAN do this!

Much love,

MLK Monday - And That Mother Fucking Scale

AGAIN.  271.5.  Are you fucking kidding???  One day, okay; it's a fluke.  Two days???  Has to be that I gained 3 pounds overnight.  DAMN IT!  The weekend was OBVIOUSLY a bust, so I had to commit to doing my very best on the weekdays to insure that a couple of minimal slip ups on the weekends wouldn't derail my progress as much as it had.  Taking two steps forward and one step back every week would take me AGES to get to my goal.  With that in mind I set my sights on eating like a rabbit so I could re-lose what I gained sooner than later.

I woke up sick.  Not totally deathly ill, but really run down and so congested that I went through a box of tissues in just the morning.  I blew my nose so many times it was raw and scratchy by lunch.  Not a great way to start the week.  Thank goodness Tony was home to kid wrangle because I wanted to do nothing more than to sleep the day away.  Breakfast was Kashi Go Lean, which tasted remarkably like cardboard, and resembled rabbit food and bird seed combined in one box.  It wasn't delish, but it did satisfy, and it kept me full all morning.  I goofed off for a couple of hours and then decided to shower and do some more laundry, and we decided we'd take the kids to McDonald's for dinner and to play in the Play Place.  I put away some stuff that was already on hangers, folded the little girls' jammies, and decided I couldn't handle it.  I took a quick shower and crashed into bed, sleeping for as long as I could.  I have no idea how long it actually was, but I woke up with the low-blood-sugar-shakes at 3:30, and three kids screaming, "McDonald's!!!" in my ear.  I gathered some clothes for the kids, got some pants on, made myself a PB&J to take the edge off of not having eaten since breakfast.  I didn't gob on either, and I made it on rye, so it was as healthy as I could toss together for something to take in the car.

We let the kids play for about an hour, maybe more, before making them eat.  They had Happy Meals, Tony had a Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese (which I realised is really just a Half Pounder with Cheese, and why didn't they just call it that?), and I had a salad.  It was the Bacon Ranch one, but again I went easy on the dressing.  I also got a hot cocoa, not a vanilla shake, made with skim milk and no chocolate.  Those fuckers were out of cocoa mix so they had to give me chocolate drizzle and mix it up, and it ended up not being very chocolaty at all.  Of course I snarfed a couple of fries from the kids' meals, but it was less than 10.  Not bad.

I managed to not snack at all because I schlepped around until just before 9 when I decided to go back to bed.  I was exhausted, and had no interest in ANYTHING at all, so I called it quits.  Being sick sucks.


Since I don't have any fun pictures, let's start talking goals.  I have several goals, several things driving me to finally lose the weight.  One of my main goals is to be able to put my wedding band and engagement ring on again.  I haven't been able to squeeze my fat fingers into either since I was about 2 months pregnant with the triplets.  Everyone asks why I haven't I just had them re-sized, and the answer is always the same: "I'm going to lose the weight."  I don't want them to stretch the gold and ruin the thickness, let alone the inscription.  But how long can I use the, "I'm going to lose the weight" excuse?  This year will mark Tony's and my 10th wedding anniversary.  Wouldn't it be lovely to be able to get them back on for that?  I think so.  Plus, I've been wearing these fake rings from Macy's for over 3 years now, and they're not nearly as beautiful as my real set.  So that's why I made Fitting Back Into my Rings one of my goals.  Here's the hysterical part... I think they're a size 6.5 and 6.75, and I was around 180 pounds, give or take, when I got them.  So I figure if I can get down to around 200 I should be able to get them on (and back off) without too much trouble.  We'll see.  But a goal is a goal and if it takes me getting to 180 to get them on, then God damn it I will.

Another really, really good reason I have for wanting to lose weight is my knees.  My knees have been FUCKED UP since I had the trio, so almost 3 years now, and I'm sick of it.  I can't kneel without pain and swelling for days afterwards, and forget crouching.  I crouched once in CVS to look at the make-up on the bottom of the wall and FELL OVER.  It was one of my most embarrassing moments.  I don't know if anyone saw, but I hope they didn't.  I literally got down half way, yelped - loudly, and fell onto my ass, my legs tangled up because my knees wouldn't bend.  And not only was it embarrassing, it hurt like HELL.  Oy.  I've gotten a few cortisone shots, which really help, but not long term.  And what I need is long term health for my knees.  I already have arthritis in the infancy stages on at least my left knee, and I don't want it progressing.  Since I'm already evolutionarily inferior with flat feet, my knees are meant to turn in.  Now that I'm so fat they aren't able to, and I think that a lot of the miniscus bruising I have is just from walking with too much weight on my legs.  My natural stride is no longer natural, and so it's forcing my knees to sit differently, and cause the pain.  (If you're interested at all, this program is wonderful, and taught me a lot: NGC's The Science of Obesity.)  Plus, I've read that for every 1 pound of weight you lose, you take 4 pounds of pressure off your knees.  That would mean if I can lose the full 75 pounds of weight, that would relieve 300 - THREE HUNDRED! - pounds of pressure of my knees with EVERY step.  No wonder my knees are so fucked up.  So that's why I made My Knee Health one of my goals.

I'll go over more goals another day.  Right now I have the Heavy premiere on DVR that I am dying to see.  I have a feeling it will be a super motivator, and I am really, really excited to watch it.

Much love,

The Dreaded Weekend: Sunday #1

Sunday was a good day, or so I thought.  I woke up and weighed myself, and to my shock and surprise, the scale sneered a nasty 271.5 at me.  Fuck.  There goes my milestone.  Oh well, it's only one day, and who knows what happened.  Maybe it was all that salad that had yet to leave, maybe it was eating a 1/3 of a pan of brownies, no matter how low-fat they were.  Maybe I was retaining water, and my rag was looming.  Who the fuck knew.  It was one day, so I decided to be better, and chalk it up to it'll wash out next time.

Breakfast was more Blueberry Special K, as I'm trying to eat up the box.  (Hahaha, I said I eat box.)  Nothing new to report there.  It was the same as it ever is, though Tony took this picture for me, so I didn't forget.  Or something.

I was hungry by mid-morning so I ate a delicious, juicy, ripe-but-not-over-ripe pear.  The kids had Nilla Wafers for snack, and I surprised myself by not instinctively throwing the crumbs and leftover pieces into my mouth as I handed them out.  I tossed them right back into the box like it was something I always did.  Holy shit, my habits ARE changing!  And it's only been a week.  Niiiice.

For lunch, I gave the kids each their own delicious, juicy, ripe-but-not-over-ripe pear, two pretzel rods each, plus a Stoneyfield Farm yogurt.  While they were eating I ate two pretzel rods of my own, and then I made myself lunch, a feast of eggs (my standard two whites + one whole) sans cheese, so I could kinda justify the sausage links I found in the freezer, and two pieces of rye toast.  It was obviously Tony approved; or maybe he just likes to photobomb.  Here's a secret: hot buttered bread is a weakness of mine.  I once ate so much toast in a period of time that I gave myself a yeast infection.  Gross, but true.  I could eat rye toast every day.  The good news is that I used to have 4 slices, with 3 whole eggs.  So I'm making progress.  I had some OJ because Holden had a sniffle and I felt kind of run down, so I thought the OJ would not only compliment my breakfast-for-lunch treat, but also help boost my vitamin C.  It was awesome, but I did regret eating the sausage so I learned that sausage, as delicious as it is, is not worth the guilt.  Bacon may be.  But we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

I skipped snack since a) I was totally full from my huge awesome lunch, and b) since I was really busy diving into countless piles and baskets of laundry.  Next thing I know, Tony is calling me down for supper!  I managed to get the laundry sorted, and about half of the laundry hung and put away, plus all the towels and sheets.  I also vacuumed our bedroom and cleaned the bathroom floors, vanity, and toilet.  Your mess is all gone now, Katy.  Then I went down and ate with the family, shake-n-bake chicken, which I took the smallest breast of, green beans, and noodles.  I took a little more than I think I should have, but managed to not eat it all, so that's kinda good.  And it was yummers.

That night I watched two episodes of Hoarders on DVR while Tony set up his PC in the living room on the new desk.  And I ate a Hershey bar.  Another guilty decision.  I could have eaten half of it and called it good, a naughty snack, but noooooo.  I had to destroy the entire thing.  Fucking chocolate.  Why is it so good???  I managed to eat it slowly, and enjoy it.  I broke the bar into the little bars, and would bite half the little bar, put the other half DOWN, and suck on what was in my mouth until it was gone.  I repeated the process about 10 too many times though.  Damn it.  So instead of succumbing to the desire to eat more, I went to bed.  Good strategy.

Much love,

The Dreaded Weekend: Saturday #1

I kind of got behind in blogging on a daily basis, which threw off my entire thought process. With Tony home from work and a day planned with my BFF HungryGirl, I skipped posting Friday's events on Saturday morning. Then Sunday came around and we had ridiculous amounts of chores to do, and I skipped posting Saturday, but managed to squeeze out Friday. Then Monday Tony was home but I fell ill - again - to a cold, and was too sick and lazy to put any effort forth and skipped posting. Again. So now here it is Tuesday morning, and I have THREE days to blog. Ugh. I will try not to make this mistake again. It sucks. I've also forgotten the finer details of the day-to-day rigamoro of dieting, so I'll do my best to fill you in but can't make any promises of deep thoughts or affirmations.

I dread the weekends when I'm dieting. I think everyone does. I have 4 kids and a husband who eat whatever they want. I have snacks and poor choices all around me. I have to struggle to stay on track. I have to struggle to not eat Cap'n Crunch with the kids. And Nilla Wafers. And chicken nuggets. And my oh my, the snacks! On weekend nights we tend to take more liberties with our eating, and stay up later, so we get hugrier, and get more munchies. ;) This Saturday was no different. I managed to not eat too horribly, but my choices certainly didn't pay off on the scale.

I woke up and weighed myself, excited to have hit a teeny tiny milestone: I was UNDER 270 pounds!!!  I weighed in at 269, and was super stoked, and proud.  So it was my intention to stay on track so I could get even more off.  Saturday's breakfast consisted of Blueberry Special K scarfed down at the last minute when I realised I hadn't eaten but should.  It was right as I was getting ready to shower and take off, because I had a play date with Yellie at her house all day.  Hooray!!!

I got to Danielle's sometime after noon, and we decided we were hungry so like any BFFs spending the day together, we made brownies.  We decided to skip an actual lunch though, and just eat the brownies to help our caloric intake stay down.  Heh.  In our defense, they were No Pudge brownies, and they were WAAAAYYYY more delicious than I remembered them being 6 years ago, or the last time I tried them.  I will definitely make them again.  Mmmmm.... fudgey.  Though I had to laugh that the serving size was 1/12th of an 8x8 pan.  Pft.  An 8x8 pan is basically 4 servings, duh.  Or at least, that's what I USED to think.  Now in my new reality I'm forced to face the fact that a 1x2 serving is normal.  Even for fat-free brownies.  Boo!  And like any fat girls (even though Yellie is FAR from fat, she's actually completely normal, if not perfectly proportioned, but she loves food as much as any fat girl loves cake), we put whipped cream on our 1/4 of a pan of brownies.  Because it was lunch, duh.  I also had a beer, which was YUMMY, and another smaller serving of brownie, ya know, for snack, before I left to go home.

On the way home I stopped to pick up a Santa Fe chicken salad from Applebee's (which, I found, has only 672 calories, but 47!!!! grams of fat - oy!).  I opted for grilled chicken over fried, and only used about half the dressing, then completely ate the whole salad.  I was craving salad, and it was SO good.  Then, like any good dieter who spent the day playing Kinect with her BFF, I passed out on the couch virtually as soon as Tony took Gwen off it for bed.  That was about 8:30.  I went up to bed at 11:30 and slept straight through.  Ahhhhh!  What a good Saturday it was!

Much love,

Days 5 - Friday

Friday was a good day where I felt like I was getting back on track. I weighed in that morning at 270, the exact same as yesterday. Hey, at least I didn't gain. Heh. It was a standard day at home, in which I did simple chores like scream at my kids, laundry, tidying up, and chasing kids. So all in all, it wasn't a bad day at all.

I started out with a bowl of Special K Blueberry cereal. I love this stuff. It's not as good as Blueberry Morning, but Blueberry Morning's blueberries get stuck in my teeth as they reconstitute, so that's kind of annoying. Plus, the Special K has little chunks of granola, and we all know how I feel about granola at this point. 

 
My mom stopped by after a job interview and we had a nice little chat for about an hour before she took off to go grocery shopping, and before all the kids saw her and she had no chance for escape. It was super convenient that I had some of her gluten-free food in the freezer that she left here on Thanksgiving, because I was able to offer her lunch and a cup of hot tea. I had a WW Smart Ones, the tuna casserole, which was fairly great. Besides missing the toasted crumb topping (Well, it wasn't missing, it was stirred in at the half-way-stir-the-entree directive; which leads me to ask, "Why put it on there, only to have to stir it in???" Why not set a tiny cup of breadcrumbs into the dish, that can be removed before cooking and applied to the top afterwards? I don't know how some of these marketing people keep their jobs.), it was just like on the package, and a lot yummier than I anticipated. So lunch was good all around!



MM Stock Photo - Steak & Cheese Pizza



Friday night Tony copped an attitude out of nowhere, which caused us to fight. We fight fairly infrequently, maybe every few months. But when we do it's usually pretty bad. So that had me in a lousy mood, and when I sat down to dinner I did what any pissed off woman would do... I had 2 slices of leftover pizza. I regretted it shortly after eating it, but ah well. I can't beat myself up over it; old habits die hard, and as I find myself in situations where I used to reach for food for comfort or company, it is going to be particularly hard to NOT do what I would have done the last 30 years. SO I cut my losses and went to bed to play Angry Birds in the dark, which left me passed out after about 15 minutes. Not exactly healthy, but it is what happened. ::sigh::

That's it.  Like I said, Friday was pretty boring, but I guess that's a good thing in the diet world.  Heh.

Much love,

Day 4

Thursday was such a clusterfuck that I am glad I didn't gain weight.  Jesus Christ!  What a circus!  The day started off early, with my having to get my ass out of bed and showered.  I hate showering.  It's a lot of work.  Am I gross?  Yes.  Am I lazy?  Yes.  These are well established facts.  So I hate showering.  It's a pain in the ass.  But I got up, showered, dressed, and got the kids clean clothes to wear out of the house instead of pajamas so we could all pile in and go to Holden and Nora's preschool evaluation.

For breakfast I had 3 eggs, 2 white + 1 whole, fried with cheddar cheese on 'em, 2 pieces of rye toast, and a cup of applesauce.  I was hungry, plus I remembered how full the eggs kept me at the beginning of the week so I wanted to be satisfied and not starving during our meeting.  I should have had a snack before leaving the house but everything was so crazy I forgot.

It was my plan to leave the meeting and take the kids to the McDonald's Play Place for the afternoon.  We were already skipping nap, so we might as well make the most of it and let them burn off some energy.  I was intending to have lunch at Mickey-D's, though I planned on a salad and a couple of waters instead of the #10 with a vanilla shake I would normally get.  What did I do?  I forgot my motherfucking wallet.  So none of us ate.  The kids were starving and so was I, but they didn't want to leave so we stayed until 4 o'clock.  Thankfully I had a bag of Cheerio's Cheddar Snack Mix in the diaper bag because it sustained all 5 of us all afternoon, well, as best it could.

Dinner was pizza.  Of course, the Digiorno's I put in the oven I forgot to time, so it came out black.  UGH!  I quick jumped into action and called in an order to a local pizza joint and had Tony pick it up on his way home.  By the time we ate at 6 o'clock the kids were STARVING and so was I.  I had a single slice of steak & cheese pizza, but it wasn't as yummy as I'd hoped.  Which I guess helped me not want to have 3 slices, LOL!

I did snack around 9:30, my difficult time, but it was minimal.  I had 3 packaged chocolate chip cookies and like 5 Triscuts.  Not the best, but not bad compared to the Mandie from two weeks ago.  I hit the hay around 10:30, and slept like a ROCK.

When I woke up this morning it was like I hadn't woken up all night.  I looked at the clock - 7:34.  I JUMPED out of bed and ran downstairs, only to realize that no, Tony didn't forget to wake me up, he'd just woken up himself.  LOL!  Again, I got off to a wacky start and forgot to weigh myself before breakfast and coffee.  Once I did, I got a 270 reading.  Which is FINE.  Yes, it's the same as yesterday's weight, which is NOT discouraging.  On the contrary.  If anything, it will make me rethink my choices from yesterday, which weren't the best, and what probably happened is that my metabolism was all fucked from missing lunch and two snacks.  So BECAUSE I weigh myself every day, I am able to see that what I ate (or didn't eat) yesterday, was not conducive to a healthier me.  Duh, right?  LOL!  But it just reitterates what I posted about yesterday with daily weigh-ins helping ME to stay on track and follow what I do from day-to-day.  So today I'm already intending to be better, eat smaller meals more often, and to make sure I don't load up on fatty pizza and cookies at night.  I'm just sayin'.

Much love,

Keep On Keepin' On

Yes, I weigh myself every day.  EVERY DAY.  There are many reasons I do this... first off, I find that it helps me see what did and didn't work with what I ate the day or two before.  For instance, after the Great Brownie Disappointment of Tuesday, I weighed in yesterday morning only having lost 1 pound.  Makes sense, right?  Of course it does.  I ate two fucking brownies.  This morning, I weighed in having lost 2 pounds, at 270.  So obviously the brownies really slowed my weight loss.  Also, I find that if I start to notice myself in a slump, the scale shows it.  Before it gets too late to easily fix any gain with just a small diet change, I can see it immediately.  So if over the holidays I was weighing myself every day, I would have been able to say to myself, "Lay off the cordial cherries, fatty." before I gained 10+ pounds and would have had to have undergone a full-on diet, complete with self discouragement and disappointment for not having caught it sooner, and for letting myself eat like a pig.  My dad is a diabetic, and every single day he records his weight, blood sugar, and any other pertinent variable.  For 20 years I saw him maintain his weight and have complete control over his diabetes from this simple chart.  It makes sense, to me, to track your weight daily.  I always have.  In fact, the times when I gained the most weight in my adulthood, are the times I didn't have a scale at home.  A few years ago I saw a study done that said that people who weigh themselves daily are less likely to gain excessive weight, and are more likely to maintain a healthy weight, for the EXACT REASONS I had always thought was just common sense.  (After a quick Google search ((I love Google)) I found these two articles: Pub-Med and MSNBC.)  So it's what I do.  In my honest opinion, I don't think there is a wrong or a right way to track your weight loss, so long as you're tracking it.  What works for some may not work for others.  Kinda like just about everything else in life.  Do I appreciate other people's insight and advice?  You bet your ass.  It's how we learn.  As a mom I love to run around yelling at every other mom that they're doing whatever they're doing wrong, "Trust me!  There's an easier way!  I have triplets!  I know."  So if I can offer my advice to another mom, I will, but I don't push because really, if they wanted my advice or learned a lesson from the sage advice I offered them, they'd be doing it already.  No harm, no foul; I do not take it personally.  Every one is different.  So I DO appreciate advice, and knowledge, but PLEASE don't be upset if I don't take it.  As an opinionated bitch I'm not likely to anyway, LOL!!

All that said, yesterday was a fair day.  Just eh.  I was bored, and the kids were on my last nerve ALL. DAY. LONG.  So when Tony came home to plow, and the plow broke, and he ended up having to snow blow for hours, and I ended up spending my whole day yelling at the kids to leave me alone for two seconds because they were driving me to drown us all in a car in a lake.  At 8 pm I finally had the triplets to bed, put on some Dino Dan for Gwen and got to cleaning.  Which I needed a boost from a soda to do.  But an hour and a half later and I had everything at least sorted, and mostly put away, and I quit for the night when Tony came in.  I was bored and stressed all day, and it was snowing like a motherfucker, so the day was kind of wacky.

For breakfast I had more delicious Bear Naked Triple Berry granola, 3/4 of a cup, and three cups of coffee.  Yum.  Too bad the coffee should have been TWICE as strong.  I still would have needed three cups of it.  Ha!

Lunch was late, around 3 o'clock thanks to the kids' non-napping malarkey, and consisted of a WW Smart Ones Ricotta and Spinach pasta, which was really yummy.  I wish there was more veggies.  I understand that veggies are kind of expensive, and if they loaded all these frozen meals with veggies all the veggie haters wouldn't eat them, plus they'd be $3 a pop.  But the veggies would really help keep me fuller, longer.

I had 3 celery sticks with peanut butter with the meal, because honestly it was a little small for my head-sized stomach.  One of these days it will shrink and I'll be able to eat just the meal and be satisfied.  =)

I made the kids chicken nuggets and french fries for dinner as everything was hectic with the snow clean-up and me being all alone with them, and I managed to eat about 10 leftover fries.  Of course.  After they ate, and I didn't, I cleaned up, got them ready for bed, and took them up.  I came down and started to clean the family room and kitchen of toys, which took quite a bit more effort and time than I would have liked.  At 9 or so Tony came in and took Gwen to bed (she passed out on the couch at quarter past 8), then asked if I had eaten supper.  Shit.  I had totally forgotten.  I could have had another frozen meal, left over pasta, some eggs, anything.  But I totally forgot.  Man, old habits die HARD.  So instead of making a dinner and eating a full meal at 9:30, I did what any sensible person would do and had a Weight Watchers Ice Cream Candy Bar.  Which was gross, but of course I ate it.  By the end I had forgotten what a real Snickers Ice Cream bar tastes like and was actually enjoying the WW one.  I also had a banana, since I know an ice cream bar is not dinner.  Mom didn't teach me nothing!  I did decide to skip the photograph, since you all probably know what a fucking banana looks like, am I right?

It all worked out alright though when I got on the scale this morning and saw that 270.  That was fucking awesome to see.  That's 6 pounds since Monday, 2 pounds a day on average.

Today is going to be kind of crazy; we actually have to leave the house for an appointment, and I plan on bringing the kids to McDonald's to work off some energy in the Play Place while I blast those smug-ass pigs in Angry Birds.  We'll be eating lunch there but it's my intention to eat a salad, and hopefully I can will myself away from a vanilla milkshake, which is just fucking sad.  All those poor, sad, undrunk milkshakes.

Much love,

272

No, that's not the price tag of my Not Your Daughter's Jeans.  It's not the amount of times we've seen Toy Story 3 (though it's probably close).  It's how much I weighed this morning.  272!!  That's 4 pounds in 2 days!  Now if that's not motivating, I don't know what is.  Go me!

Yesterday was good, but I was bored.  Which is disastrous.  I didn't have the motivation to do anything since my knee is all fucked up after painting the girls' room this weekend.  I had the job of cutting in on the baseboards, so there was a lot of kneeling involved, which is surprisingly something I don't do that often.  Anymore.  Heh.  I've heard that for every pound you lose, you take 4 pounds of pressure off your knees.  It makes sense, since the bulk of people's weight is going to be above the knee.  Like, there's only what?, two feet of body after the knees?  And it's typically not the size of a gut.  So it makes sense.  My knees have been fucked since the triplets were born, something I attribute to not only being way fat but also to 5 weeks of bedrest.  I lost a lot of muscle just lying around the house for 7 months while I cooked triplets, so it's no surprise that my muscles aren't strong enough to do regualr everyday tasks like keeping my miniscus in place.  I mean, I was never Joanna Thomas, so my muscle mass decreased fairly rapidly.  I was in physical therapy for a bit for my knee, and the therapist told me I was weaker than some of the old ladies he worked with.  Talk about a stab to the heart.  Working on gaining my muscle back is one of my goals, but I think it would be easier to exercise and work out once I lose a little weight, to save my knees.  Kinda like how WW will tell you not to exercise until you lose 10% of your original weight.  I think 10% is overly cautious; I can see 10 pounds, 15 pounds even.  But waiting until I lose 28 pounds seems silly.  I don't know... what do you think?

Onward...  I ate fairly well again yesterday, which is good since it's only day 2, LOL, but despite my boredom I stayed on track nicely.  I started the day with my cereal, which gave me loads of energy I did nothing with.  Pft.

Around 10, when I gave the kids their snack, I had one too.  It was yummy and filling though I wish Tess would have stopped asking me for some.  Celery sticks with regular Jif, which I tried to go light on.  I didn't measure, I don't want to measure everything, just get into the habit of THINKING about how much I'm using.  I think if most people were to LOOK at thier food before shoveling it in, they would know that there was too much/too little/the right amount without measuring.  When it comes to things like cereal where I have no idea what a cup looks like in a bowl, or how much a cup of mashed potatoes looks like on a giant plate, then I'll measure.  Peanut butter?  No fucking way I have time for that shit.  Half the pain in the ass of dieting is counting, watching, measuring, points-ing.  So I'm giving it up and instead using what I know in my heart to be a reasonable amount of anything.

For lunch I had a Healthy Choice Chicken Pesto meal, follwed by 14 (the suggested serving size on the box) Triscut Parmeasen Garlic Thin Crisps to snack on while I watched Intervention.  See?  Now that I know what a serving of Thin Crisps looks like, next time I won't have to measure.  Yeah!  Another great bonus to this blog is that I will be able to rate and review frozen diet meals.  For isntance, look at the picture on the Healthy Choice box, then at the actual product.  ::snort:::  Not exactly even close to resembling the delicious gourmet meal they show on the cover.  The fruit compote was pretty good, as was the pesto sauce.  The veggies were dynamite, though I wished they'd have included about a cup more.  Like, there was 3 carrot sticks and 3 broccoli chunks.  LAME.  The chicken was dry and kinda gross, though edible.  All in all, I wouldn't reccomend this meal, and I probably won't eat it again myself.  The Triscuts were AMAZING!  I've never had these Thin Crisps because I thought they'd be more crispy than regualr Triscuts, and too crunchy for my weak ass teeth.  But they weren't.  They were awesome and flavorful and 14 was a nice snack.

In the afternoon I managed to skip snack, but did have a few of the kids' Cheez-Its while I was giving them snack.  It was like I didn't even know I was eating them.  How gross is that?  I ate a handful of Cheez-Its while doling them out just because.  When I figured out what I was doing I immediately jumped up and put the box away.  Yikes!

I made spaghetti for dinner, since I had hamburg turning brown in the fridge and spaghetti is pretty much a bath night staple.  I kicked it up a notch, browning the beef with about 6 cloves of fresh garlic, Italian herbs, onion powder (can you believe I didn't have a single onion anywhere in the house?!  WTF???), and pepper.  NO ADDED SALT!  I added a jar of Prego to the meat, plus a can each of tomato sauce and tomato paste to stretch the sauce a little.  I'm not a huge fan of chunky, meaty sauces so the extra tomato shit made it more suacey.  I baked a loaf of Pillsbury tube bread and Voilà!  Delicious dinner!  What you see here is a salad plate.  I am a pasta destroyer.  Tony is always amazed at how much pasta I can put away (I can also do this with popcorn).  It's a weakness.  I love it.  So I had a lot, but it was still HALF what I usually would have eaten.

What really surprised me though, was how hungry I was shortly after dinner.  I expected that plate of pasta to hold me over until bedtime, but it didn't.  What the fuck, man?!?!  I ended up splurging on brownies, I ate two, but I made them with half the eggs (only used 1) and half the oil (less than 1/4 cup).  To make up for the lack of oil in the brownies, I added applesauce.  They were totally yummy and I would have eaten 3 more but I stopped myself.  Heh.  And I already went for one this morning and managed to stop myself then too.  Nice.  So while I splurged on a shitty snack, I didn't feel so guilty about it because I knew I tried to make it a little better.  So it's not like I said, "Fuck it!  I'm eatin' brownies!"  Which is good.  And so were those super chewey brownies!

Much love,