Blllaaaaahhhh....

That's how I feel about this round.  I was lying in bed last night (after I skipped on the Chips Ahoy because Tony was going to bed and I didn't want to eat alone at 10:45) thinking about why this is so hard to get into and what was different in January that got me excited about it.  I mean, I remember the feelings of elatement and determination of finally getting off my ass and getting into it.  I remember the results and how good it felt.  But something is holding me back.  I just don't know what.  Probably myself.  I have always been my own worst enemy; I mean, aren't we all?  Even now as I write this post, giving up writing it is in the forefront of my thoughts as my kids nap and I hear doors slamming upstairs from the wind... over and over again, and I have beds to make and laundry to do and my family room is a shit hole... all excuses.  All excuses to not face the truth.  Not to mention how fucking HUNGRY I am right now.  I can't get back into the swing of meals like I had them down pat before... though I'm kinda trying.  I had a handful of Honey Combs as I was shelling out cereal to the kids this morning, really early, thinking it would get my metabolism going and I'd have a real breakfast in another half hour or so.  But then I got caught up on the 'puter, and Holden is way sick and wanted to sit with his momma, and I didn't even get a cup of coffee until 9.  Ouch.  After I made the kids pancakes for lunch I had a Clif bar for lunch.  The fucker is 240 calories, 5g of fiber, and 11g of protein.  That should be enough to hold me over until at least 4 o'clock, but no.  I'm already day dreaming about chocolate chip cookies and cake and loaded mashed potatoes.  Damn it.  I figured the Clif bar was cheap, easy, and filling, and since I have so much to do today I really want to save the time and get into it.  This day, and frankly, all of last week, has been horrid.  My kids are meltdown kings, and with Holden and Nora sick I can barely keep my cool.  They've been SO naughty, pushing every button, deliberately disobeying, fighting, screaming, pushing, hitting, the gamut.  I went upstairs to get the dirty sheets so I could wash them and put them back on, and by the time I got the sheets and vacuumed up there, I came down to every single shoe in the closet (mind you, that's like, 30 shoes) strewn all over the house, along with all the dress up clothes, all the throw blankets, and all the decorative pillows, and at least two of them running and hiding because they were illegally playing with my sewing machine.  Which I don't even have time to play with.  :(

Maybe I feel overwhelmed?  Maybe it's just spring fever and now that winter's finally gone I feel like I can catch up so my mind is in a hundred other places.  Maybe it's my kids being little fucking pukes 90% of the time.  I don't know.  All I know is I need to find motivation somewhere.  Something.  Something to get me INTO it, and KEEP me there.

I just dug up all my old paper photographs to scan and post everything embarrassing on Facebook to humiliate all my closest friends and family, and I look at them and can't imagine being as thin as I was.  In some of them I was 100 pounds lighter than I am now.  In some I was only 50 pounds lighter than I am now.  I can't believe the difference it makes.  I think I was too thin, at 150, and my goal is just to be under 200.  In a perfect world I'd be 160 or 170, but that's never going to happen, and I'm okay with that.  I just want to buy a L dress from a normal store and know that even though a L is a 16/18 the fucking thing will fit and I'll have options outside of Lane Bryant and Wal Mart.  Sheeeit.

I did just jump on the scale, and am at 165.  So that's good.  A start at least.  I have been drinking more water, and trying to snack less.  Also, I've been adding in muscle building exercises anywhere I can.  For instance, I am so horribly out of shape, I can do crunches that I can FEEL sitting in the recliner.  LOL  I've started stretching again (oh, I LOVE stretching!  One of my very good friends suggested a yoga DVD, I think it was Yoga for Every Body that I might get, but in reality, yoga is just stretching with meditation.  I already meditate so all I have to do is stretch, LOL!), and using my muscles more, kind of like pilates in motion?  Like, I'll hold the milk out at the end of my arm for a minute or two after filling the kids' cups.  It's not much, but it's something, and it seems to be working.  I feel stronger, and I can already feel my tummy getting a smidgen tighter.  I also REALLY want to start walking and working on the C25K.  It seems like every day we're so busy that by the time Tony gets home there's so much to do I don't have time, and when I do I haven't showered and I'm so gross I feel like I'd need to shower to be seen outside the house, or by the time the kids are in bed it's dark.  Maybe if I designate a time, say 6:30, just 3x a week, that I leave the house, and it's MY time to walk.  I can give myself that hour no matter how dirty I am, or how buggy it is, and just let Tony deal with the kids and I could be back to help with bedtime.  But even tonight is a bath night, and Tony gets home at 5:30, dinner will be at 6, baths at 6:30 (and trust me, NO ONE wants to bathe 4 kids alone, LOL!), bed at 8, and by then it's dark.  Not to mention that the weather has been stormy and rainy the last week or so, and it hasn't exactly been the best weather to start an exercise routine in.  I mean, not that I'd melt, but I think I'd do better running in the rain once I'm actually jazzed about running.  Right now it still feels like a chore.  LOL

Well, I had to check in.  I am still trying.  If anyone can find motivation for me, please send it this way.  Right now though I have to go make 5 beds and finish up the laundry.  Ya know, before the kids wake up and re-spread the shoes everyfuckingwhere.  :P

Much love,

Oops

I wish I'd never gotten sick.  It is, without a doubt, the single most thing that threw me off my road to recovery.  I am bitter about it, very bitter.  I was doing SO well.  I was at a point where I no longer had cravings for processed foods and sugar.  I no longer needed to eat an entire box of mac & cheese without feeling cheated.  I no longer needed to fill my cereal bowl in order to feel satisfied.  Because I made smarter choices; instead of two overflowing bowls of Fruit Loops, I'd have a cup of granola or Kashi, or granola and Kashi mixed together.  Instead of a whole box of mac & cheese, I'd have a few tablespoons of mac & cheese, with a protein and a whole box of frozen veggies, with a promise to myself that I wouldn't feel bad if I decided to have popcorn with butter for TV snack.  I was actually craving HEALTHY foods like veggies and fruit instead of Hostess cupcakes and Ben & Jerry's.  I never made any qualms about not giving up my favorite foods, but I had learned how to eat a cup of low fat ice cream instead of a pint of 32g of fat per serving.  When I got the stomach flu, I was sick for WEEKS afterward, and even had another bout of another stomach flu  (it was a bad winter illness-wise).  I couldn't figure out how to eat veggies without my whole digestive system revolting.  Let alone lose my cravings for comfort foods and bland tastes that I had when I was pregnant; pasta, mashed potatoes, breads, etc.  And while I definitely blame my decline on a couple of viruses, I also take responsibility for not having more tenacity and motivation and determination to not let myself fall to the point where I wasn't back on track after a brief oops.  I mean, we've all been there, right?  I think the biggest diet sabotage, for me, is boredom.  So once I got to the point where the newness and fun started to wear off, though I tried to stick to it, I got sick, and that was just my "good" excuse to fall off the horse and wait for the next wagon instead of getting back on.  I suck.  I feel like a failure, and while I tried so many new and different ways to trick myself into it, it was still a diet all along.  SIGH.

Needless to say, I've kinda let myself go...  A few days ago I weighed in at 264.5, and today I just got on the scale at 269.5.  Granted, I had a Chinese food feast with my parents on Saturday, after pizza, cake, and ice cream at a birthday party, and I had the rest of my Chinese leftovers for lunch today, so I'm retaining a shit load of water, but I've lost almost all of the good habits I worked so hard to put in place.  Gone is a small breakfast after waking up; gone is the lack of cravings for veggies, and in its place are the old icky cravings for doughy sugary goodness; gone is my will to drink at least 36oz of water a day (which I didn't pick for a particular reason, I just thought two full plastic cups was a good place to start, and our Target $1.99 cups hold 18oz.); it's all gone.  I am going to have to dig deep to find the motivation to get them all back.  Maybe firing up the old blog will help.  I'll tell you what... hopping on the scale to see the 270's looming before me got my ass DIRECTLY to the computer to blog about it.  I kicked 270 to the curb for forever.  I will at least hold true to that.  If I can lose 20 pounds and get down to 250, maybe I'll be able to wear shorts this season.  ::eyeroll::  And I'll kick 250 to the curb for forever.

I kind of have new motivation, though I've never thought of "events" a good reason to lose weight.  It's the worst way to diet.  A crash diet sends you into starvation and low-blood-sugar-shakes, and after pissing your brains out for 6 months drinking a gallon of water a day and gagging down only foods that come out of a garden, you lose 50 pounds, only to look stellar, not normal, at your event, and then blimp out again two months post vacation/wedding/school reunion/etc.  Eating healthy and losing weight should be a lifestyle change.  A permanent change.  Something that you don't get overnight because you have to seek and destroy 30 years of horrible eating habits.  BUT... my brother is getting married on a cruise to the Caribbean in November after an 8-month engagement.  I'm a size 24.  Fatter than my mom, my husband, my father-in-law.  My bathing suit, which looked awesome online, has ruching across the stomach for a disguising effect; except on me it just flattens over my stomach and all the slippery material collects over and under my massive gut.  PUKE.  Along with a Caribbean vacation cruise, this vacation is Tony's and my 10th Anniversary trip.  We're getting the stateroom with the veranda, we're living it up with the full drink package, and I want to zip-line across Wallings Forest in Antigua.  Max weight to participate is 265.  We went to Antigua on our honeymoon with the intent of hiking the rainforest, but of course as fate would have it, they were in the middle of the worst draught in recent years' history, and the whole island was brown.  Nothing lush about it.  LOL.  So that didn't exactly happen.  And I'd like to wear my rings when we go.  And not feel like a spitfire pig.  Not to mention I'd really like to fit in the airline seat. 

So there it is.  I'm going to try to get back in the game, no matter how lame my motivations are, they're motivators.  Which I desperately need.  I'm starting the Couch to 5K program, and am going to start off by drinking more water, and getting in breakfast.  We'll see how that goes.  Hopefully those will be easy so that I can get used to those 3 steps, and then pick up 3 more.  I have 6 months, and I'd like to lose 50 pounds in that time.  It's a lot to aim for.  Maybe too much.  Maybe 35 is a more realistic goal; 1.5 pounds a week-ish?  We'll see anyway.  Who the fuck knows.  All I DO know is that it's going to take a miracle for me to lose anything with how I've been eating lately.  Dayum.

Much love,