I suck.

So here I am, again, way behind on blogging, on dieting, and on life in general.  I think I'm too wordy for my own good.  I feel like I have to plan out an hour just to type up a blog post.  Let alone all the time I was spending playing with my camera, taking pictures, downloading and editing them... it was a PITA.  And now where the kids aren't really napping anymore, and where I have to get Gwen on the bus, off the bus, and take care of Tony to-boot, I've just been in way over my head.  I guess the good news is that my mood's stayed positive, and I'm really, really, REALLY looking forward to our cruise.  That's in 2 weeks.  I currently am a chuba-loo 261.  So I ask you, and myself really, do I have what it takes to drop those 11 pounds and be 250 by the time we set sail?  Why not?  I just need to put my mind to it.  And stop binge snacking.  I think I've gained some muscle mass too, since my weight hasn't changed all that much but I somehow feel thinner.  Maybe it's just my body dysmorphia.  Who the fuck knows.  LOL!  I will will myself thin by seeing myself as thin.  Yeah.  And how many people does that work for??  HA!

Today I had crumb cake for breakfast.  But it was in the house, and at least I only ate half of my usual serving.  I had 3 cups of coffee, status quo, and am now dining on a lovely turkey sandwich packed into a flax seed, whole grain pita pocket with two handfuls of lettuce, 4 or 5 gherkins, and a slice of cheese.  And because I can't eat a sandwich dry, only a little light mayo and 3 giant squirts of Gray Poupon.  I was gonna eat the chicken that was in the fridge, but apparently it went bad two weeks ago.  So I'm glad I had fresh turkey on hand.  :-P  I also have a 20-ish oz cup of water and a handful of Bugles.  I like crunch.  And salt.  So what.

IDK what we're doing for dinner... I was thinking of opening a family sized can of Campbell's Chunky Chicken & Dumplings for the kids, but what do I eat?  Maybe a couple of eggs, or an egg sandwich.  Or maybe a freezer diet meal with a side salad.  IDK.  We'll have to see what I feel like when I get there.

So while the blog might not be as pretty, or as wordy (much to your chagrin, right?) anymore, I am going to try to get back in the swing of things.  At least to keep me on track until the cruise.  Which is 16 days from today.  Though I'll be flying to San Juan in 14 days.  Yikes.  Yippee!  Here goes nothing...

Much love,

July 18th, 2011

3 months, 23 days until vacation
267 pounds
Knees painful and swollen from working on furniture all weekend; tired; short of breath; hands and feet swollen; tummy hurts; lousy mood - aka Feeling kinda shitty today; no pun intended but I literally shit like 10 times today too.  Bleh.
89*,84% humidity, 68* dewpoint

Breakfast:
3 cups of coffee: 300 calories
Brown Sugar Cream of Wheat, 260 calories

Lunch:
2 slices of left-over Pizza Slut pan pizza bacon, sausage, and pepperoni, with one breadstick.

Dinner:
Leftover Chinese food

Not the best day, eating-wise, or exercise-wise, or any wise.

Blah.

Blllaaaaahhhh....

That's how I feel about this round.  I was lying in bed last night (after I skipped on the Chips Ahoy because Tony was going to bed and I didn't want to eat alone at 10:45) thinking about why this is so hard to get into and what was different in January that got me excited about it.  I mean, I remember the feelings of elatement and determination of finally getting off my ass and getting into it.  I remember the results and how good it felt.  But something is holding me back.  I just don't know what.  Probably myself.  I have always been my own worst enemy; I mean, aren't we all?  Even now as I write this post, giving up writing it is in the forefront of my thoughts as my kids nap and I hear doors slamming upstairs from the wind... over and over again, and I have beds to make and laundry to do and my family room is a shit hole... all excuses.  All excuses to not face the truth.  Not to mention how fucking HUNGRY I am right now.  I can't get back into the swing of meals like I had them down pat before... though I'm kinda trying.  I had a handful of Honey Combs as I was shelling out cereal to the kids this morning, really early, thinking it would get my metabolism going and I'd have a real breakfast in another half hour or so.  But then I got caught up on the 'puter, and Holden is way sick and wanted to sit with his momma, and I didn't even get a cup of coffee until 9.  Ouch.  After I made the kids pancakes for lunch I had a Clif bar for lunch.  The fucker is 240 calories, 5g of fiber, and 11g of protein.  That should be enough to hold me over until at least 4 o'clock, but no.  I'm already day dreaming about chocolate chip cookies and cake and loaded mashed potatoes.  Damn it.  I figured the Clif bar was cheap, easy, and filling, and since I have so much to do today I really want to save the time and get into it.  This day, and frankly, all of last week, has been horrid.  My kids are meltdown kings, and with Holden and Nora sick I can barely keep my cool.  They've been SO naughty, pushing every button, deliberately disobeying, fighting, screaming, pushing, hitting, the gamut.  I went upstairs to get the dirty sheets so I could wash them and put them back on, and by the time I got the sheets and vacuumed up there, I came down to every single shoe in the closet (mind you, that's like, 30 shoes) strewn all over the house, along with all the dress up clothes, all the throw blankets, and all the decorative pillows, and at least two of them running and hiding because they were illegally playing with my sewing machine.  Which I don't even have time to play with.  :(

Maybe I feel overwhelmed?  Maybe it's just spring fever and now that winter's finally gone I feel like I can catch up so my mind is in a hundred other places.  Maybe it's my kids being little fucking pukes 90% of the time.  I don't know.  All I know is I need to find motivation somewhere.  Something.  Something to get me INTO it, and KEEP me there.

I just dug up all my old paper photographs to scan and post everything embarrassing on Facebook to humiliate all my closest friends and family, and I look at them and can't imagine being as thin as I was.  In some of them I was 100 pounds lighter than I am now.  In some I was only 50 pounds lighter than I am now.  I can't believe the difference it makes.  I think I was too thin, at 150, and my goal is just to be under 200.  In a perfect world I'd be 160 or 170, but that's never going to happen, and I'm okay with that.  I just want to buy a L dress from a normal store and know that even though a L is a 16/18 the fucking thing will fit and I'll have options outside of Lane Bryant and Wal Mart.  Sheeeit.

I did just jump on the scale, and am at 165.  So that's good.  A start at least.  I have been drinking more water, and trying to snack less.  Also, I've been adding in muscle building exercises anywhere I can.  For instance, I am so horribly out of shape, I can do crunches that I can FEEL sitting in the recliner.  LOL  I've started stretching again (oh, I LOVE stretching!  One of my very good friends suggested a yoga DVD, I think it was Yoga for Every Body that I might get, but in reality, yoga is just stretching with meditation.  I already meditate so all I have to do is stretch, LOL!), and using my muscles more, kind of like pilates in motion?  Like, I'll hold the milk out at the end of my arm for a minute or two after filling the kids' cups.  It's not much, but it's something, and it seems to be working.  I feel stronger, and I can already feel my tummy getting a smidgen tighter.  I also REALLY want to start walking and working on the C25K.  It seems like every day we're so busy that by the time Tony gets home there's so much to do I don't have time, and when I do I haven't showered and I'm so gross I feel like I'd need to shower to be seen outside the house, or by the time the kids are in bed it's dark.  Maybe if I designate a time, say 6:30, just 3x a week, that I leave the house, and it's MY time to walk.  I can give myself that hour no matter how dirty I am, or how buggy it is, and just let Tony deal with the kids and I could be back to help with bedtime.  But even tonight is a bath night, and Tony gets home at 5:30, dinner will be at 6, baths at 6:30 (and trust me, NO ONE wants to bathe 4 kids alone, LOL!), bed at 8, and by then it's dark.  Not to mention that the weather has been stormy and rainy the last week or so, and it hasn't exactly been the best weather to start an exercise routine in.  I mean, not that I'd melt, but I think I'd do better running in the rain once I'm actually jazzed about running.  Right now it still feels like a chore.  LOL

Well, I had to check in.  I am still trying.  If anyone can find motivation for me, please send it this way.  Right now though I have to go make 5 beds and finish up the laundry.  Ya know, before the kids wake up and re-spread the shoes everyfuckingwhere.  :P

Much love,

Oops

I wish I'd never gotten sick.  It is, without a doubt, the single most thing that threw me off my road to recovery.  I am bitter about it, very bitter.  I was doing SO well.  I was at a point where I no longer had cravings for processed foods and sugar.  I no longer needed to eat an entire box of mac & cheese without feeling cheated.  I no longer needed to fill my cereal bowl in order to feel satisfied.  Because I made smarter choices; instead of two overflowing bowls of Fruit Loops, I'd have a cup of granola or Kashi, or granola and Kashi mixed together.  Instead of a whole box of mac & cheese, I'd have a few tablespoons of mac & cheese, with a protein and a whole box of frozen veggies, with a promise to myself that I wouldn't feel bad if I decided to have popcorn with butter for TV snack.  I was actually craving HEALTHY foods like veggies and fruit instead of Hostess cupcakes and Ben & Jerry's.  I never made any qualms about not giving up my favorite foods, but I had learned how to eat a cup of low fat ice cream instead of a pint of 32g of fat per serving.  When I got the stomach flu, I was sick for WEEKS afterward, and even had another bout of another stomach flu  (it was a bad winter illness-wise).  I couldn't figure out how to eat veggies without my whole digestive system revolting.  Let alone lose my cravings for comfort foods and bland tastes that I had when I was pregnant; pasta, mashed potatoes, breads, etc.  And while I definitely blame my decline on a couple of viruses, I also take responsibility for not having more tenacity and motivation and determination to not let myself fall to the point where I wasn't back on track after a brief oops.  I mean, we've all been there, right?  I think the biggest diet sabotage, for me, is boredom.  So once I got to the point where the newness and fun started to wear off, though I tried to stick to it, I got sick, and that was just my "good" excuse to fall off the horse and wait for the next wagon instead of getting back on.  I suck.  I feel like a failure, and while I tried so many new and different ways to trick myself into it, it was still a diet all along.  SIGH.

Needless to say, I've kinda let myself go...  A few days ago I weighed in at 264.5, and today I just got on the scale at 269.5.  Granted, I had a Chinese food feast with my parents on Saturday, after pizza, cake, and ice cream at a birthday party, and I had the rest of my Chinese leftovers for lunch today, so I'm retaining a shit load of water, but I've lost almost all of the good habits I worked so hard to put in place.  Gone is a small breakfast after waking up; gone is the lack of cravings for veggies, and in its place are the old icky cravings for doughy sugary goodness; gone is my will to drink at least 36oz of water a day (which I didn't pick for a particular reason, I just thought two full plastic cups was a good place to start, and our Target $1.99 cups hold 18oz.); it's all gone.  I am going to have to dig deep to find the motivation to get them all back.  Maybe firing up the old blog will help.  I'll tell you what... hopping on the scale to see the 270's looming before me got my ass DIRECTLY to the computer to blog about it.  I kicked 270 to the curb for forever.  I will at least hold true to that.  If I can lose 20 pounds and get down to 250, maybe I'll be able to wear shorts this season.  ::eyeroll::  And I'll kick 250 to the curb for forever.

I kind of have new motivation, though I've never thought of "events" a good reason to lose weight.  It's the worst way to diet.  A crash diet sends you into starvation and low-blood-sugar-shakes, and after pissing your brains out for 6 months drinking a gallon of water a day and gagging down only foods that come out of a garden, you lose 50 pounds, only to look stellar, not normal, at your event, and then blimp out again two months post vacation/wedding/school reunion/etc.  Eating healthy and losing weight should be a lifestyle change.  A permanent change.  Something that you don't get overnight because you have to seek and destroy 30 years of horrible eating habits.  BUT... my brother is getting married on a cruise to the Caribbean in November after an 8-month engagement.  I'm a size 24.  Fatter than my mom, my husband, my father-in-law.  My bathing suit, which looked awesome online, has ruching across the stomach for a disguising effect; except on me it just flattens over my stomach and all the slippery material collects over and under my massive gut.  PUKE.  Along with a Caribbean vacation cruise, this vacation is Tony's and my 10th Anniversary trip.  We're getting the stateroom with the veranda, we're living it up with the full drink package, and I want to zip-line across Wallings Forest in Antigua.  Max weight to participate is 265.  We went to Antigua on our honeymoon with the intent of hiking the rainforest, but of course as fate would have it, they were in the middle of the worst draught in recent years' history, and the whole island was brown.  Nothing lush about it.  LOL.  So that didn't exactly happen.  And I'd like to wear my rings when we go.  And not feel like a spitfire pig.  Not to mention I'd really like to fit in the airline seat. 

So there it is.  I'm going to try to get back in the game, no matter how lame my motivations are, they're motivators.  Which I desperately need.  I'm starting the Couch to 5K program, and am going to start off by drinking more water, and getting in breakfast.  We'll see how that goes.  Hopefully those will be easy so that I can get used to those 3 steps, and then pick up 3 more.  I have 6 months, and I'd like to lose 50 pounds in that time.  It's a lot to aim for.  Maybe too much.  Maybe 35 is a more realistic goal; 1.5 pounds a week-ish?  We'll see anyway.  Who the fuck knows.  All I DO know is that it's going to take a miracle for me to lose anything with how I've been eating lately.  Dayum.

Much love,

I AM Still on the Bandwagon!

Sorry I've been MIA.  Like I said, I got off track after being sick, and the last two weeks and this week are ridiculously busy.  Well, for our world anyway.  I won't even get a break until Thursday!  I've also been staying really busy around the house, which is great!  I had been sick since Thanksgiving, on and off, leading to a sinus infection, with a week off before getting the flu, so I am REALLY behind on my household chores.  My house is a shit hole, and we still have some things to unpack and/or organize.  I'm way behind where I wanted to be by this point.  So having the energy and ability to do work is really working out for me.  Yesterday I put away ALL of my laundry.  ALL OF IT!!!  I feel like a Goddess.  Like, who actually gets their laundry washed, dried, sorted, folded, AND put away all in one day?  ME!  Though there were like 6 clean baskets of laundry sitting in my bedroom for the last two months, so... yeah.  It's gone now though, and it's going to be lovely to look through a closet again instead of digging through a basket for clean undies.

I AM still working on losing weight, making smart decisions and being healthier.  I'm currently at 263.5, so I haven't really lost anything, but I have been able to maintain the weight loss I DID achieve while I was so busy, and out and about, so that makes me feel good.  I haven't been super careful, or choosy about my food, there have been points of weakness and junk food and cheating (it is that time of the month).  But I'm okay with that.  I have never wanted my weight loss to be a quick drop.  I don't have a time goal, really.  I want to lose weight slow enough so that I don't get saggy skin.  Plus, the slower you lose the weight the more likely you are to keep it off, and that is my main goal.  To keep it off and find a new attitude and lifestyle with food that keeps me HEALTHY.  Sans saggy skin.  So I'm trying to get back on track.  I went grocery shopping on Saturday and spent $240 on healthy foods.  Which almost gave me a heart attack.  Pft!  I can't wait for summer, I'm thinking of starting a veggie garden.  And even if I don't, the farmer's markets provide fresh, ripe, local fruit and veggies for DIRT CHEAP.  And that's exciting!

All that told, I'm going to try to blog regularly again.  At LEAST three times a week.  I figure I can make time for my self, my feelings, and my weight loss buddies at least that often.  Because I really do love blogging.  I am a person who loves to hear herself talk, and I have no outlet.  Besides talking to myself, which Tony hates.

Let's see... what'd I eat yesterday... One of the best parts of taking pictures of all my food to post here was that it helped me remember what I'd eaten.  I've gotten out of the habit of taking pics, and maybe I should try it again.  It's time consuming, but it really helps keep me on track and excited about what I eat.  I can remember lunch and dinner on Saturday (a small Buffalo burrito with chicken from Boloco, which as it turns out, is in the 811-calorie-range.  Oops.  Dinner was meatloaf (made with 1/2 lean beef, and 1/2 turkey and low fat cheese, so I tried to be smart making my family a dinner by cutting calories from a normal recipe), a baked potato with butter and low-fat sour cream, and a shit ton of green beans.  I was so full by the end that I couldn't finish my potato!  Go me!!  One big change I've noticed is that my stomach has shrunk.  A LOT.  And I am trying REALLY HARD not to over eat and expand my stomach again.  Feeling full after half a plate of food is awesome!!  And before I forget I made brownies but with applesauce and only one egg, so they were fairly low fat... but I ate 4 or 5.  Oops again.), and everything I ate yesterday.  So here's how I stuffed my gullet on Superbowl Sunday:  Breakfast was Vanilla Almond Special K with a 1/2 cup of vanilla almond granola.  Lunch was a Kashi Cranberry Walnut bar and a banana (it was quick and on-the-go since I found myself starving in the middle of my laundry crisis and didn't want to lose my motivation by stopping to eat).  I had a chocolate bar for snack (not the best choice), and a handful of mixed nuts.  For dinner I had more nuts and a single french fry, and a single chicken nugget.  While watching The Black Eyed Peas destroy the Superbowl Half-Time show, I ate about a cup of ice cream, which was fucking DELICIOUS.  It tasted like real ice cream, and I'm a peanut butter whore.  It was the best light ice cream I've ever had.  Yay.  And instead of destroying a pint of Ben & Jerry's in one half hour, I ate a reasonable amount and was satisfied!  Yay!

I'm going to try to do better this week; weekends are always hard for me.  I want to get back on track and see the scale move again.  Because like I said, I'm not in it to lose 100 pounds in 4 months.  I'd rather take a year to do it, but not stress myself out over it.  So I'm ready to get back into it, now that Aunt Flo is on her way out, and taking her chocolate cravings with her.  I even find now that with snacking, I don't want junky food.  I'd rather have a handful of nuts or a cup of ice cream than 3 Devil Dogs.  Which is good.  Baby steps, but progress.

I hope to be back to blog soon, and I promise to try harder!!!

Much love,