Friday, May 2, 2014

Testing, testing, 1, 2, 3....

Hi ya.  Just testing the waters here for now.  I'm trying to get back into weight loss by starting the 21 Day Fix, along with Shakeology.  I got my shakes last Thursday, April 24th, and had one on Friday just to taste it.  I was HOOKED.  I had more energy, I was STUFFED, and it really reduced my cravings.  Which I have a lot of.  So that was a gigantic bonus.  I got my 21 Day Fix kit from Beachbody this past Tuesday, and fell ill with a kidney/bladder/urinary tract infection that I saw the doctor for on Wednesday.  I went shopping for all my good, healthy fruits and veggies after my appointment, and have been adding some here and there into my diet.  I'm finding that I have a cup of coffee in the morning, a shake, and a light lunch, and then making a healthier dinner we eat as a family.  Eating a good dinner is helping me stay satisfied, and not buying the snacks in the first place, along with sitting on my hands, is helping to quell my general eat-in-front-of-the-tv-until-you-give-yourself-heartburn-all-night track record.  The munchies kill me every time.  Damn those blasphemous bitches!

For now though, let me start at the beginning...

I've been hovering around 270 for about 2 years now.  This past winter was horrid: long, cold, and depressing, and I gained a bunch of weight.  So I'm starting at 280, where none of my fat pants fit - not even my yoga pants, I've grown a third chin and my ears are starting to fold into my head (rather, my head fat seems to be eating them), and the disgusting number of 300 is looming before me, ever so attainable if I scarf another danish.  SIGH.
The thing that has me going now though, is that about two months ago, I forgot to refill my anti-depressants (300mg Wellbutrin and 20mg Lexapro) and then when I did I didn't get out of the house to pick them up for another week, and by then I was like 3 weeks in to getting off my meds for the first time since going on them 6 years ago.  I decided to give it a shot and see where it took me.  Immediately I felt my brain operating at full function again, and my energy returning.  I realized that all this time I got so fat because I was in a fog of just not caring.  Like, at all.  I didn't care what I looked like, how I felt, what happened to anything.  Which was great when the triplets were little because that's what I needed to survive.  But now I WANT to care and couldn't figure out why I didn't.  Why I wasn't motivated.  Why I was so exhausted all the time.  I also found pretty quickly that my panic attacks returned full force, and it was scary after not having had one in so long.  So after about a month of my self-medicating experiment, I am back on Wellbutrin, but still off the Lexapro.  It's nice.  I'm happier, more aware, more active, and ready to try to get back to looking like a human instead of a Whopper.  Even if I do have more anxiety, and am a little more quick tempered.  Everyone has their quirks.
My hairdresser has been doing the 21 Day Fix for a while now, and has seen amazing results.  So I looked into it, then let it go.  Looked into it, then decided nah.  Looked into it, talked to my mom about it, and we decided to do it together.  That's when I took the plunge.  Then once I tried the shake, I was all about it.  Don't get me wrong, it's still totally daunting.  I'm afraid of failing.  I'm afraid of my high school reunion, which may or may not be coming up this year (20 years?!  WTF???).  I'm afraid of getting fatter.  I'm afraid I'll never want to have sex again (gross, who wants to see THIS naked).  I;m afraid that will ruin my marriage.  I'm afraid of getting injured again and losing my momentum.  I'M SO AFRAID.  But I also need to not sabotage myself.  I'm a classic self-saboteur.  So I'm trying to stay positive, and remember that every little bit counts, and that even if I want an ice cream cone out with the kids, I can have ONE ice cream cone and don't have to give up on the rest of my life.  I can make this work, I can get fit, I can do this for me.  So what if I lose 3 pounds in once week and only half a pound the next?  EVERY BIT COUNTS.  And as long as I keep pushing myself forward, to have a shake for breakfast, a light lunch, and a healthy dinner with my family, that in and of itself will be a major improvement over not eating until 2 and then being so hungry I mou down 3 Little Debbie snacks and don't stop snacking on shit until bed.  And if I can do that, then I can start to exercise.  The 21 Day Fix comes with like, 8 workouts, and that's amazing.  But I can barely do Just Dance with the kids on the Wii right now.  So if I have to break and sit to catch my breath, or if I have to skip a day to let my muscles recover, it's OKAY.  It's still a step in the right direction.  EVERY BIT COUNTS.

So my first goal is to reach 230 in time to get my tattoo.  Which will kinda be my reward, even though I'd get it anyway, LOL.  I'm on the waiting list with my artist so I'll be getting in sometime this fall.  In order to reach this goal, I have to lose 50 pounds by, say, September.  That's 4 months.  So I figure if I can lose 14 pounds a month, I will have achieved this goal.  The 21 Day Fix is set up so that you lose 15 pounds in 21 days.  I figure I'll give myself some leeway, knowing my weaknesses, so I don't feel discouraged.  If I do better than that, holy shit, that'll be awesome, but I won't be upset if I don't.  With JUST having a shake every morning, over the last 7 days, I've lost 5 pounds.  That's not even factoring in the portion control and rabbit food that goes with dieting, or starting an exercise regiment.  I hope to be more active this upcoming week, as my antibiotics kill this infection and I start to feel better, and I can start working out.  30 minutes every day is a tit ass commitment.  Hardly anything.  I have to remember to put myself first, and then everything else will fall into place around that.  The rest of the day can be for errands or laundry, or whatever.  So long as I give myself an hour every morning for my exercise and food prep.  And anyone can do that, right?  Just get off Facebook for 60 minutes, for fuck's sake!  LOL!

Anyway, I have to get the kids off the bus now, but I wanted to test the blog waters.  See how it felt to commit again.  To diary.  To blab.  Which I love and am SOOOOO good at.  If I feel like I need to, I'll bee back.  I would think it'd be sooner than later.  :)

Peace out!

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