Thursday, May 15, 2014

Hold Steadfast

I'm yet to use a 21 Day Fix container to serve my food. I want to, but I'm not sure how to go about it. I know that sounds dumb. It sounds dumb to me, saying it. I need to read the book again, all the way through, and come up with a meal plan of some sort. I was at the grocery today and again, mostly shopped the outer edges. It has been said many times that when grocery shopping, you should stick to the outer ring since that's where all the healthy stuff is: everything was once alive, or grown. No processed foods. Of course, it was Trash Basket, and getting around the outer edges is a skill in and of itself. Plus, I needed plastic items and bread. So I did the best I could, which was actually pretty great! I have noticed, as I'm trying so hard to eat smarter, and less, that I'm shopping more often, but spending less money. For instance, I probably go to the grocery store about once a week now and only spend $150 average, whereas I was going every other week and spending $275. Hm.  When I put it like that it SEEMS like more, but I swear it's really not.  Bonus that the whole family is eating way healthier in the process. I will admit that I'm not used to shopping fresh food yet, and it's getting out of control. I have so much real food it's starting to go bad, and I don't have enough ways to cook it or make a decent meal out of it, or just eat it. And every time I go to the store I'm attracted to more fresh foods, like grapes, or melons. For instance, I've never bought an avocado before but I did today. Turns out the avocados are hard as a rock, so they'll probably be fine for another week or so. But now I need to figure out what to make with avocado besides guac. But before that I need to eat snow peas and strawberries and lettuce and watermelon.

So my weight is staying steady at 9 pounds down, 271. I had gotten down to 270, but I put a pound back on where I've missed my shakes most of this week. I'm also super stressed and getting depressed due to personal shit, and that's not helping. Not to mention next week is shark week. I've been munching a lot. Again, not on unhealthy foods, but more than I should. Except for that dill dip that I destroyed yesterday, and then read the label: 11g of fat per serving; I had like 8 servings. Whoops. Oh well. Lesson learned. LOL!  Also excepting the 67 chocolate chip cookies I ate on Mother's Day. Luckily I wasn't treated to any kind of brunch, or lunch, or dinner where I might have had to make a decision about healthy eating. No. I had to make my own food that day. So I guess it worked out. I haven't had my shakes three times this week, which is also bugging me. I don't want to fall off the wagon. I love the shakes, and they help me. I haven't lost a ton of weight, but I went to lunch with Sarah (we both got salads!) and (this is embarrassing) I fit in the booth. Without my stomach touching the table. So I can SEE the results. They're there, in black and white. I miss the energy, I miss the fullness, and I think not having had time to make them has wreaked havoc on my cravings. I've really, really, REALLY been craving chocolate. Not so much sweet, just chocolate. Today I got some Dark Chocolate and Salted Caramel Ghiradelli squares that are individually wrapped so I can grab one, satisfy that craving, and keep my intake to a respectable "heart healthy antioxidant" amount of chocolate and not the "stuffing a King-sized Snickers down my gullet" PMS binge. But I needed something to quell that thirst, and I figure that's the best way to approach it.

I'm also still struggling with drinking enough fluids. I've been drinking 16-32 oz of lemonade every day to try and mush up some of those kidney stones. The rest of the day after coffee and shake I'm sipping water. But truth be told, I have a few sips of water and don't take another for an hour. It's. So. HARD. #thingsannoyingfatpeoplebitchabout  I think I'm around 1/2 gallon a gallon a day of fluid intake, plus maybe more, but I'm not measuring so I don't really know. I bought 25 gallons of water so I'd have one gallon to carry around and drink every day, but some asshole I live with keeps on using it for the kids, or for cooking, or for sugary powdered drinks. (See paragraph #2.) So anyway, it's hard to get a good read on it. I have no idea how I'm supposed to do all the shit I need to do in a day AND drink that much fluid, let alone find the time to let it back out.  Jeez.

I feel like this post is just bitching, which might be beneficial, but I'll stop now and save it for my therapist.  I start going tomorrow. First order of business is to deal with above referenced home stress, and then move on to more personal things, and then finally, beg her to hypnotize me to never want to eat butter and sugar again. Or chocolate. I wonder how many things you can be hypnotized for? My mom quit smoking after a session with a hypnotist, so it really works to boost your will power. But I don't know if she can be all like, "Listen to my voice... You are feeling very sleepy. You feel full. You are not hungry. You are disgusted by brownies. And pasta. Butter is just grease and cream and while it sounds delicious it makes you want to vomit. So does a thick, juicy, marinated rib eye. You know it's so gross." Hm. Maybe I'll have to pay extra for that.

Peace!! (of chocolate cream pie in my dreams)

Thursday, May 8, 2014

Nine Pounds

I haven't been exceedingly good this week.  Though I have been busy, what with all my appointments for my damn kidneys, and softball, and the Spring Concert at school.  Nevermind trying to get caught up on the laundry and clean up around the house, and make more healthy dinners for the fam.  So let me say that I didn't expect to hit 271.5 when I stepped on the scale today.  I mean, yesterday I skipped my shake for a corn muffin and had pasta for dinner, the day before I shame swallowed a candy bar while I was filling up the gas tank, and the night before that I had Tony go get me a greasy burger and rings from the local pub.  I guess when your body is used to eating that shit ALL DAY, even the smallest changes pay off in a big way. So hooray for small victories!

I went grocery shopping today (not a big shop, just this and that, mostly water and milk), and decided to hit Walmart where I could load up on drinking water, laundry detergent, and snacks for the kids.  I never knew it before, but I realized today that Walmart might be the WORST possible place to shop for food.  I mean, I get it, it's Walmart.  They're a dirtbag corporation juggernaut, in bed with Monsanto, treating their employees like shit, I GET IT.  But there is no denying that they have the most affordable prices.  But it wasn't until I went inside, hungry yet determined not to get junk, that I realized just HOW MUCH junk is IN YOUR FACE the whole time you're there.  It overwhelmed me today.  Maybe because while I was shopping last week at the regular grocery store I hardly left the produce and dairy isles, or maybe because I hadn't been to Wally World in a while, but it was like I walked in and immediately wanted to eat.  Subconsciously, which is the worst part. It was an assault on my senses, my resolve crumbling as I spied Cheetos and frosted sugar cookies.  Bright colors, bold statemements, stacks of food EVERYWHERE.  And then I was thinking, "Ooooh, maybe I can get a            and just eat one or two and give the rest to the kids."  Or, "Holy SHIT!  I didn't know they made these, they look amazing!"  Or, "Oh yeah, I think we need chips for sandwiches."  Old habits die hard, and having eaten like shit for the last 38 years it's hard to turn your brain around.  To be honest, I was kinda proud of myself for noticing it so early before my cart was full of refined white flour and high fructose corn syrup and I decided it was just easier to check out than to put it all back.  I WAS able to get some plain microwave popcorn, and some spreadable cheese for a cheese and crackers snack, but I didn't give in to the chips, or the ice cream, or the cookies, or the cakes, or anything Hostess, Oreo, or Pepperidge Farm branded.  I even decided then, in the store, to forego the 1/2 & 1/2 on my list and try to work into having my coffee with whole milk.  (IDK how I plan to do that, it's so gross, but everything just takes time to get used to, right?)  I'm not sure I'll ever shop there again, to be honest.  I mean, they have the cheapest prices, and they have the most stuff.  It's a win-win.  But to keep myself out of that trap is more important.  I'd rather shop at Market Basket and have less selection but fresher, more abundant produce, and pay the little extra they charge to make sure I don't fall victim to the evil sugar fiend in my head. Somehow, when I was over getting cream cheese for my celery, I smelled cinnamon-bun-y goodness and my mouth started watering.  I almost gave in right there, to "just one."  But I remained steadfast, and I got out of there with water, cereal, and some snacks, but avoided the majority of the "middle isles" where the processed garbage is.  It made me realize just how much marketing affects our brains.  Not that I didn't know that already, but when it becomes commonplace, it doesn't SEEM like marketing anymore.  But they still suck you in, without you even knowing.  That's creepy.

I found out that my kidney issues are being caused by stones.  Yaaaaayyyyy...   I have a "cluster of stones, about 1 cm in diameter" in my right kidney.  So I need to go in for a procedure on Tuesday to chop 'em up into dust so I can pee them out, and also to scope my bladder to see why there's still blood in my urine. Yaaaaayyyyy....  I asked the nurse why I was making these stones and she says, "Well, what do you drink in a day?"  And I was like, "Ummm, coffee, one, maybe two cups, and then some iced tea or water."  "How much water?" she says.  "Like, you know, one or two 16-ish ounce glasses.  Mostly after dinner."  She looked at me and just let it out, "Well that's your problem.  You're not drinking enough to flush the minerals out.  They're sitting in your kidneys too long and creating stones.  You need to drink more water."  Drink more water?!?!  Is she serious???  It'd be a full time job just to drink the 2 gallons a day I'm supposed to have.  Granted, I know I need to drink more water, just seriously THAT much?!?!  Yeesh!  But I promise to TRY, and to commit to at least one whole gallon every day.  I have to, to get rid of these kidney stones. And I don't want more kidney stones.  So there you have it.  It just must be.

Now I have to put those groceries away, start dinner, clean up, and help Gwen with her homework before getting her ready for her softball game tonight.  Again... yeesh!

Peace out!

Monday, May 5, 2014

7 Pounds!

I'm still sick with a urinary tract/kidney infection, so I haven't started working out yet.  The whole fever thing isn't conducive to staying upbeat and killing my fat.  But I HAVE been being good, and sticking with the Shakeology shakes.  And in that, so far I'm down 7 pounds.  YAY!  Small victory!  I also found that I can tolerate the chocolate Shakeology so long as I make it like chocolate milk, with less mix and more milk, and don't put anything in it.  Like ice, water, bananas, or peanut butter.  Additives just bring out the artificial sweetener taste.  (And before you say anything, I know stevia is supposedly natural, but it has the SAME EXACT aftertaste as sucralose, aspartame, saccharin, et al.  Ain't no foolin' my tastebuds.  I can also taste the wax in the chocolate on a Ring Ding.  I'd still eat that fucker, though.  So no, you can't sell me on stevia being a natural sweetener.)  So that's amazing to me, and a huge thanks to my bestie Sarah for pointing me in that direction.  I can now finish my sample bag of chocolate Shakeology without puking.

My weekend was busy and fun and lovely.  Full of friends and softball games and free comic books for the kids.  We're trying desperately to help them be the little dorks they were born to be.

There was even a birthday celebration, where I ate cake and ice cream after lunch, but was able to steer myself away from the other cakes and chips and goodies.  I'm happy for me, as it's a small victory that I didn't talk myself into letting myself have "just a couple chips" or "it's no big deal to have ONE cookie."  I limited my TREAT to one small piece of cake and one scoop of ice cream.  And I let myself have it, and enjoy it, because life is too short.  And in order to change my eating habits for life, I can't expect that I won't ever eat cake again.  I want to have my cake, AND eat it.  So I will.  I'll just be smarter the rest of the day to make up for it.  Like at dinner when the kids wanted more ravioli, I gave them each one of mine and limited my pigging out.  Kept 3 extra ravioli off my thighs and I made myself not feel pissy because I gave them away.  And I had a snack while I watched Game of Thrones, but it was natural popcorn with a small amount of butter and salt.  Not the typical bag of Pop Secret Homestyle with extra added butter.  Small changes lead to small victories, but it's all gotta be one step at a time.  Trying to overthrow the fat government is going to just overthrow my head and I'll tap out way before I finish.  And I'm not cool with that.

I'm thinking of going back to therapy, just for some help staying positive.  I was chatting with a friend who has weight troubles like I do, and we agreed that most people become overweight out of depression.  I will readily admit that I've been depressed, and that's what got me here.  However I think that if I can find small things to be happy about, talk through the shit I can't change, and start harvesting the endorphins from exercise, then I'll have a well full of happy that will keep me full and forward marching.  The issue is paying for the therapy, LOL.  $25 a pop ain't cheap!  Even if I only go twice a month.  But like with the 21 Day Fix kit, and the Shakology, I'm trying to not think about putting a price tag on my well being.  I wanted to do something that would just jump-start my weight loss so I would feel like there was a way out, at least, because I don't want to fad diet.  I've said it before and I stand behind the ideal that fad diets are bullshit. Eating healthy, and in moderation, along with exercise, is the way to lose weight and keep it off.  But it's a lifelong change, not a 2 month change.  When I got the 21 Day Fix and saw that it was basically just that, portion control and the best ideas to jump start yourself so you don't get discouraged, it changed my mind about the program.  It IS what I need to follow to make changes.  So I will.  And it will have been money well spent.

I guess that's it for now.  I'm super excited about my hummus, turkey, and veggie wrap for lunch today.  I'm hungry and it sounds totally delicious.  But I have to get going on the laundry.  The never-ending laundry. And get to drinking some more water.  The water is ridiculous.  Takes all damn day to drink that much!


Friday, May 2, 2014

Testing, testing, 1, 2, 3....

Hi ya.  Just testing the waters here for now.  I'm trying to get back into weight loss by starting the 21 Day Fix, along with Shakeology.  I got my shakes last Thursday, April 24th, and had one on Friday just to taste it.  I was HOOKED.  I had more energy, I was STUFFED, and it really reduced my cravings.  Which I have a lot of.  So that was a gigantic bonus.  I got my 21 Day Fix kit from Beachbody this past Tuesday, and fell ill with a kidney/bladder/urinary tract infection that I saw the doctor for on Wednesday.  I went shopping for all my good, healthy fruits and veggies after my appointment, and have been adding some here and there into my diet.  I'm finding that I have a cup of coffee in the morning, a shake, and a light lunch, and then making a healthier dinner we eat as a family.  Eating a good dinner is helping me stay satisfied, and not buying the snacks in the first place, along with sitting on my hands, is helping to quell my general eat-in-front-of-the-tv-until-you-give-yourself-heartburn-all-night track record.  The munchies kill me every time.  Damn those blasphemous bitches!

For now though, let me start at the beginning...

I've been hovering around 270 for about 2 years now.  This past winter was horrid: long, cold, and depressing, and I gained a bunch of weight.  So I'm starting at 280, where none of my fat pants fit - not even my yoga pants, I've grown a third chin and my ears are starting to fold into my head (rather, my head fat seems to be eating them), and the disgusting number of 300 is looming before me, ever so attainable if I scarf another danish.  SIGH.
The thing that has me going now though, is that about two months ago, I forgot to refill my anti-depressants (300mg Wellbutrin and 20mg Lexapro) and then when I did I didn't get out of the house to pick them up for another week, and by then I was like 3 weeks in to getting off my meds for the first time since going on them 6 years ago.  I decided to give it a shot and see where it took me.  Immediately I felt my brain operating at full function again, and my energy returning.  I realized that all this time I got so fat because I was in a fog of just not caring.  Like, at all.  I didn't care what I looked like, how I felt, what happened to anything.  Which was great when the triplets were little because that's what I needed to survive.  But now I WANT to care and couldn't figure out why I didn't.  Why I wasn't motivated.  Why I was so exhausted all the time.  I also found pretty quickly that my panic attacks returned full force, and it was scary after not having had one in so long.  So after about a month of my self-medicating experiment, I am back on Wellbutrin, but still off the Lexapro.  It's nice.  I'm happier, more aware, more active, and ready to try to get back to looking like a human instead of a Whopper.  Even if I do have more anxiety, and am a little more quick tempered.  Everyone has their quirks.
My hairdresser has been doing the 21 Day Fix for a while now, and has seen amazing results.  So I looked into it, then let it go.  Looked into it, then decided nah.  Looked into it, talked to my mom about it, and we decided to do it together.  That's when I took the plunge.  Then once I tried the shake, I was all about it.  Don't get me wrong, it's still totally daunting.  I'm afraid of failing.  I'm afraid of my high school reunion, which may or may not be coming up this year (20 years?!  WTF???).  I'm afraid of getting fatter.  I'm afraid I'll never want to have sex again (gross, who wants to see THIS naked).  I;m afraid that will ruin my marriage.  I'm afraid of getting injured again and losing my momentum.  I'M SO AFRAID.  But I also need to not sabotage myself.  I'm a classic self-saboteur.  So I'm trying to stay positive, and remember that every little bit counts, and that even if I want an ice cream cone out with the kids, I can have ONE ice cream cone and don't have to give up on the rest of my life.  I can make this work, I can get fit, I can do this for me.  So what if I lose 3 pounds in once week and only half a pound the next?  EVERY BIT COUNTS.  And as long as I keep pushing myself forward, to have a shake for breakfast, a light lunch, and a healthy dinner with my family, that in and of itself will be a major improvement over not eating until 2 and then being so hungry I mou down 3 Little Debbie snacks and don't stop snacking on shit until bed.  And if I can do that, then I can start to exercise.  The 21 Day Fix comes with like, 8 workouts, and that's amazing.  But I can barely do Just Dance with the kids on the Wii right now.  So if I have to break and sit to catch my breath, or if I have to skip a day to let my muscles recover, it's OKAY.  It's still a step in the right direction.  EVERY BIT COUNTS.

So my first goal is to reach 230 in time to get my tattoo.  Which will kinda be my reward, even though I'd get it anyway, LOL.  I'm on the waiting list with my artist so I'll be getting in sometime this fall.  In order to reach this goal, I have to lose 50 pounds by, say, September.  That's 4 months.  So I figure if I can lose 14 pounds a month, I will have achieved this goal.  The 21 Day Fix is set up so that you lose 15 pounds in 21 days.  I figure I'll give myself some leeway, knowing my weaknesses, so I don't feel discouraged.  If I do better than that, holy shit, that'll be awesome, but I won't be upset if I don't.  With JUST having a shake every morning, over the last 7 days, I've lost 5 pounds.  That's not even factoring in the portion control and rabbit food that goes with dieting, or starting an exercise regiment.  I hope to be more active this upcoming week, as my antibiotics kill this infection and I start to feel better, and I can start working out.  30 minutes every day is a tit ass commitment.  Hardly anything.  I have to remember to put myself first, and then everything else will fall into place around that.  The rest of the day can be for errands or laundry, or whatever.  So long as I give myself an hour every morning for my exercise and food prep.  And anyone can do that, right?  Just get off Facebook for 60 minutes, for fuck's sake!  LOL!

Anyway, I have to get the kids off the bus now, but I wanted to test the blog waters.  See how it felt to commit again.  To diary.  To blab.  Which I love and am SOOOOO good at.  If I feel like I need to, I'll bee back.  I would think it'd be sooner than later.  :)

Peace out!