Damn it, that was a rough weekend! I'm finally feeling a bit better and am starting to graduate to real food again. (The girls haven't gotten it... yet...) Though I'm finding I'm having a particularly tough time trying to stay on track now. I don't know if it was from how bad I felt, and how awful food was (never thought I'd say that), or if it's because my stomach shrank so much (why am I not EMBRACING this wonderful side effect???), or if it's because after I get sick I crave comfort foods and usually give in to meatball subs and french toast, or if it's because my rag is coming soon-ish, or what. But it's really discouraging me. I can't decide if I want to eat some comfort foods for a couple of days but just control my portions and see if I feel better and will get the appetite for better foods, or if I should just plug onward with broccoli for dinner and deal with the stomach ache. I feel like if I ate comfort foods it might be like starting all over again even if I had portion control, kinda like a starving shark that catch a whif of fresh blood on the current and WHAMO! they're like a caged beast trying to escape with its life.
So yeah... I'm stuck and stressed and freaking out. Only a little. But I don't want to blow this. I don't want to fall back into the fatass abyss like I always do. And I understand that normal people can eat a 6" meatball sub and have no issue with it, even if they're not trying to lose weight. Because they're starting low, if one meatball sub bloats them up a half a pound they'll lose it the next night with their typical veggie stir fry.
So what do I do? Who knows. But I think I'm going to have a meatball sub for dinner tonight; a small one, plain. Because I'm finding that that which I truly crave is not substituted by consuming every other food in the house. Ugh! So far today I've eaten a banana, a PB&J, a handful of Baked Cheddar Ruffles, about 6 Russell Stover chocolates left over from Christmas, and just now about 1/2 cup of cherry pie filling with frozen fat free cool whip on it. I TOLD you I'm losing all control!!! And damn it if it isn't Aunt Flo's fault. She's a dirty bitch. I have about a week left of this PMS bullshit and I'm starting to wonder how much weight I can gain in a week. Probably everything I've lost. Because we ALL know it's a CINCH to gain weight, and a BITCH to get it off.
Regardless of all that shit, I've lost a total of 13 pounds. My weight this morning was 263, which is AWESOME. That's almost a pound a day, even with the wackiness of the flu and rehydrating. My poop is almost solid again, which might help my body regulate better and use the food better. I don't know if that's bullshit or not because I just made it up. Sounds like a good theory, right?
Since I'm so far behind in blogging, I may try to catch up from this past weekend, I may not. I don't want to be stressed about blogging or losing weight or changing my habits because I know myself and I know that being stressed and discouraged are my biggest pitfalls. So I just have to change the way I look at things. And if that means I don't get to go back in time and make 5 posts, then I don't. I'd rather be unstressed, and posting current, and losing weight. So we'll see how I feel. Plus, I have the hankering to play with my sewing machine and I don't think I'd have time for that if I wanted to catch up blogging. I didn't eat much anyway so I guess the posts would kinds be boring. I mean, for you.